I Found the Map.

 It barely warmed up all day yesterday. Damn, it was cold. But it was beautiful too! The low sun of Winter filled my house. It was truly lovely. Still, I spent the day by the fire except for our two brief walks together, HH and I. Plus, of course, my trips to the woodpile to keep both fireplaces stoked. Our community Facebook pages were full of stories of frozen pipes, so I felt proud to be able to do laundry, run my shower and do the dishes. No frozen pipes at Pinecone Park.

Mid-afternoon, I took a break from reading to chop some wood to leave on the hearth just before going to bed. I decided to feed the fire again, through the night to be sure nothing froze and that the entire family stayed warm. This may be a pattern for the coming week.

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More FND, more reflection. I know, I know. Skip this if you want. Sorry, but this blog/diary is where I figure things out to tell Dr. S.

I’ve found a way, in plain English, to explain my epiphany to others—specifically, Dr. Shoja. It’s been over a week now, and suddenly I thought of this way of putting it. My epiphany was triggered by Dr. Shoja using the word, ‘neglected’, to describe my childhood and youth. It hurt to hear that word, I felt woefully sad. I felt that sense of isolation I felt all my life. I remembered a very, very sad and lonely feeling. I felt such sorrow for that boy who I was.

And accepting that has woven a thread of understanding through a lifetime of memories, bringing an overwhelming sense of a ‘final understanding.’ I had this sense of universal understanding once before when I was on Mescalin. Emotionally feeling that pain, has been like getting the key to understanding myself and my history. It was an incredible experience.

It truly was a real epiphany for me, but not about the universe, or the speed of light, or gravity or anything that serves anybody, my epiphany brought personal understanding—and sympathy for myself. 

I have changed as a result of that experience. Every night, no matter what I watch, I do not shake. Neither do I mute. I still sock react to sudden sounds—shock sounds— that directors love to use, but I feel free of the symptoms of shaking and bobbing. I also have a new relationship to my symptoms. On a few occasions since that night, I have stopped a symptom from igniting. These things make me believe that my deep emotional acceptance of my past, has brought me a new sense of calmness and a feeling of ‘clarity,’ although I’m not sure what that means. 

I feel clear. I feel that all questions are answered. I found my birth mother, and about who my birth father was (all found with the assistance of my friend, Leslie). The knowledge of these two people gave me facts for my story of myself. And knowing Françoise, my birth mother, gave me the greatest gift of my life: She proved something I’d believed all my life, that I was French. That is the greatest gift of my life.

I have looked back on my life and forgiven myself for believing that something was wrong with me, and that I was deserving of every misfortune. That felt good. That felt very, very good.

If I sit down and think of past memories, when I see those memories on the screen of my memory, and I look knowing what I know now, all the bad feelings go away. I see things as not my fault, not me failing, not me left out. And I was trying not to be gay. What a total fucking mess I was. 

The onset of my condition has changed every aspect of living for me. However, it has brought me the knowledge of my past. I chose to just ignore my past. My journey to FND and then consequential personal enlightenment began in mid-life one day in a bathtub when I had, not an epiphany, but a rush of memories of things long forgotten.

I started having voice problems in my forties. Then came 2016.

I thought of this explanation for my epiphany because I think a lot about my condition. I have several forms of symptoms, and each one fluctuates on its own rhythm. My emotional and symptomatic landscape is different every day. I have to think about it; each day requires different adaptations. But that’s the physical; this epiphany may be the holy grail of my psychiatric journey.

I found the map. Dr. Shoja was my guide through the jungle.

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Todays’ big community dog walk is cancelled, like just about every bloomin’ activity on the island. Even some of our stores and a restaurant are closed due to frozen pipes. And both times I went out in the car for our walks, there were no cars on the road. Everyone has hunkered down during the cold. Today will be like yesterday, but I am going out for dinner to the home of a couple I met at Kris and Steve’s. I liked them. Karen is an artist and Gavin works in the film industry.