Tuesday, April 9, 2024


Thank God for my fireplace. On days like yesterday, so dark and damp, I am so glad to have the fireplace and books to read. Thankfully, I wasn’t dreading going to fitness yesterday morning. I went and, as I always do, I felt very good about having taken up this challenge of getting into better shape. But what I love most, is getting into my car at the end of the class, knowing that I have the rest of the day to do as I please—with Fred, Ethel and Sheba.

All went well at the class except just past ½ way through, I had a seizure and I had trouble getting out of it. With great difficulty, I tried to finish and then to speak to Rhonda about me having a way to signal for help. It ain’t gunna be easy because I don’t have control of my arms and hands. I think I may take a piece of ribbon in hopes of being able to wave it if I need help. When I left the hall, I was having trouble walking and when I got to the car, it took about 2 minutes for me to be able to open the door.

We went into the village after lunch, and I read for the rest of the afternoon until it was time to go for a long afternoon walk. Then dinner. And then TV. I’m watching Ripley. I watched the first episode and didn’t feel interested in continuing. Now, 10 days later, I am engaged—particularly with the black and white format. There’s one scene that opens and Ripley is standing before an enormously long and beautiful stairway of marble steps that go almost to infinity. The light shines on the flat worn surface of the stairs, and the shadow of the vertical surface shows deep black in the shot. It’s a stunning set piece. Then Ripley walks up the stairs and his shadow moves across the zebra surface of the stairway. It’s stunningly beautiful. The whole film is beautiful.

I’m glad I’m getting the gas discount, presuming I do. I definitely qualify, and I was told of this support by an auto insurance agent. I wasn’t looking for ways to profit from my disability. I felt uncomfortable about it, but I very definitely qualify.

When I was a young man and out, at various times, men would approach me. I never once, every in my life, approached anyone. I have never felt confident enough to do so. And if a man asked me to go to his place, I would instantly become very uncomfortable. And this was unfortunate because I didn’t want to bring a stranger into my home. I did a couple of times with men I really felt safe with. 

I would fast-start our relationship, no matter how the relationship was to play out, by revealing my history with a violent sexual experience (in France). And I told them this to explain that I would need to have a drink together somewhere so that I could feel safe going to his place. And then whatever was going to happen, happened.

I was too shy about my phobia to say outright: I can only go to a person’s home if it has two unlocked exit doors, and in the same way, I have always been anxious in busses and subway vehicles because I cannot ask the driver to stop because I’m afraid. I must wait to the next stop, get off, and get the next bus. It’s the same on the subway, but on the subway, I just change cars. That was me before my breakdown, now it’s a hundred times worse. And if I have a seizure, I can miss several stops and must catch a bus or train back.

That’s why I bought a car, and that’s why I qualify for this assistance program. They will refund my gas expenses for every receipt I have for the past 6.5 years. I’m passing on that. But soon, I will be saving all my receipts and using them to get a 25% refund, plus a refund on my insurance at the same rate. I am eligible for the mental health rate reduction.

There’s one reason this makes me happy: I’m going to stop bitchin’ (jokingly) about the cost of food with the clerks at Nester’s.

What’s worse: what the pope says, or the media reporting on what he says?  I want to scream SHUT UP POPE! every time another moral judgement by the pope is in the media. Oh, and STOP SHUFFLING PEDOPHILES. The Catholic Church is in no position to judge others; their integrity is long gone. He’s come out against gender affirming surgery.

It’s a stunning day. I’m going to the dentist for a cleaning and then I’ll be busy in the garden, and I may take a break to. Just chill in the sunshine. There ain’t a cloud in the sky! 

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