A VERY Busy Day!

Thursday went by quickly and easily. It was another typical day of doing what I do best: Nothing! Which is to say, I puttered and read all day. I was not inspired to venture outdoors. It’s getting harder and harder to think of anything to write here. It was cloudy and dull all day.

Friday, however, dawned clear, bright and cold. And what a day it was. I had no idea that the day would turn into an all-day, non-stop adventure. It started with fitness at 9:30. I can’t say I like exercising, but the class is very welcoming and supportive. I looked forward to going again on Monday and staying with it, two days a week.

I’m really chuffed that I’m doing this. I hate it but it makes me feel very good in my mind and in my body. Kris and Steve were there, so I had little visits on our breaks. I was more careful this time. I did not want to experience another weekend like last weekend when I could not handle the pain in my thighs and in the back of my legs.

After the class, I delivered a book to Regina and then hurried home to shower and have a nice spa to relax my muscles. By the time I got out, it was time to Zoom with Nicola. She and I had a great chat. She is going to Nova Scotia to do a show at Neptune Theatre, and then she is going to live in her cabin on the water until Fall. Thank God for Zoom and FaceTime. Nik and I stay connected via our long chats.

Shortly after two, Ali arrived. I had to say god-bye to Mis Nik, and then Ali and I visited her until 4:30. She and I had a great visit. Pete is back on Sunday. He’s been away for a couple of months, so I look forward to seeing him. We’ve become good friends as a result of the work they did on my deck. That work together, all day, every day, for ten days allowed us to get to know each other, well.

When Ali left, it was time to take Sheba for a walk. So, I did that, and then it was dinner time. I got dinner ready, turned on the TV, and ate and relaxed with Miss Ethel on my lap, and I didn’t move for hours. Through all that talking, I was jerking and flexing, twisting and bobbing. Plus, I had a seizure at fitness. I was physically exhausted when I finally sat down, just before 6:00.

I kept thinking through the end of the day: I was acting like a normal person (except for the speck and spasms). I had a full day of activity. All of it spontaneous except for the fitness class. I’m very glad I started these fitness classes. It’s energized me. 

I do wonder, however, what people think about me. I blend right in, during the class. But because of my seizure in my first class, yesterday, many of the people who came to my aid, came to speak with me. My speech is palling. It’s extremely bad. Plus, I have all my spasms going on. When I’m talking, I behave not unlike the son of a friend of Mrs. Tyrell. He had CP. 

But I’m fine when I’m silent. Often, synonymous with taking the decision to speak, my arms jerk with all my strength up, so that my fists are close to my shoulders. And my entire upper body is tense. And then they start shaking and jerking. At the end of the fitness class, a woman had put out a large tray of cupcakes. I had to ask Steve to pick one up for me and to put it in my hands. And I had to shove it all at once, into my mouth, before they shook it out of my hand. 

My body desperately wants me to be silent. I’ve become worse and worse since October.

•

My Croci are blooming. The yard is exploding with buds. I wanted to be out there yesterday, but it was only 5° and, as noted above, the day got away from me. Today, therefore, will be slow and gentle, but I will be aware, all day, of how good my body feels. I am not crippled with pain as I was after my first fitness class. I feel fine today. My back is a little sore, but it’s really nothing compared to last week. I’ll shop, I’ll read and I’ll enjoy this cloudy and damp day indoors by the fire.

Himalayan Monal

Remembering Varanasi

Hooray! Wednesday was a great, great day. Why? Because much of it was outdoors.

First, there was our morning walk. As we walked, the sky cleared, and the sun came out and I went into a state of ecstasy. I loved everything, and everything made me high. I get overwhelmed by the beauty of the forest when the sun shines.

When we were done, we came home to eat and chill. I was very happy having absolutely nothing to do. But the outdoors called, so I got out there with my wheelbarrow and I cleaned up the back deck and the courtyard of all their Winter storm forest fall. It’s really lovely to look out from my desk and see tidiness instead of shite everywhere. And my fountain works. It survived the big deep freeze. 

When the yard work was done, it was time to take you know who to the park to fetch the ball. She looks absolutely gorgeous—all clean and cut. She looked beautiful running in the park. And I was happy because the sun was still shining.

Last night, I watched a movie called Hotel Salvation. It was the first Indian film I can remember seeing, and I loved it. It helps that much of it is filmed in Varaasi. 

I went to Varanasi because my friends wanted to go there. It was easy to agree because I had never been there. We were three, and one morning we rented a fellow and his boat to be on the Ganges at sunrise. When he dropped us off back near our hotel, he said that he’d pick us up again at 4:00 and that we’d be going to the main ghat for sunset.

I had no idea what to expect, as we moved slowly down the river. When we got close to the main ghat, there were candles on half-coconut shells floating all over the water, and there were fires on the ghat, and ribbons, string lights, banners and lots and lots of smoke from burning incense, as seven handsome Brahmins let the ceremony of fire, each on his own elevated altar.

It was sensory overload, and on the Ganges—in Varanasi, the holiest city in Hinduism and one of the oldest cities on the planet. I was in tears during the ceremony. It was theatre, it was so magnificent, it had so long a tradition; it was the most exciting and emotional night of my life. And to see it in the film was very moving.

The story is good, the acting is excellent. I just loved it. I subscribed to Sundance Now, so I’ve been watching shows that were in past festivals. 

•

Today has dawned bright and sunny. It’s also chilly, but I’ll be outside doing more yard work this afternoon when it is warmer. It felt really nice this morning to go outside for wood and see how clean and tidy the deck and courtyard are.  I love bringing order to Pinecone Park. 

I ❤️ Pedro Almodovar

The best part of Monday was dinner with Eoin, François and Jay. The four of us have become great friends. The dinner was a blast. We had a great time, and Jay was in good form. He has finally received help with his Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis (IPF). During our evening together, he hardly ever coughed. In the past, he has been unable to stop. And soon he will have an oxygen pump to wear. It will vastly improve his endurance, the poor guy.

Tuesday began with a visit to the groomer for Sheba, and I had domestic chores to do while she was made beautiful. It was a glorious day, and we reached a mild 8° in the afternoon. I spent much of the day cleaning, tidying and cooking, but the evening was all relaxation.  

It’s been wonderful these past several sunny days because it is bright outside until almost 6:00. Monday night, driving to Eoin and François’ place, I drove under a blazing pink sky. It was spectacular and bright at 5:30. Daylight Savings time begins on March 10. I can hardly wait.

Everyone and their dog were out trail walking in the afternoon. And everyone was in great spirits; every encounter with walkers asking, “Isn’t it a gorgeous afternoon?” Sheba impressed everyone because she was almost glistening after her wash and cut. She looks spectacular. 

When we got home, I made my third batch of Thai Shrimp soup. With each batch, I change the recipe and now I have a flavour that I like. Now it’s time to move onto a new dish. I love concocting new dishes to serve my guests. I’m going to have Eoin, François and Jay ovcr for dinner soon, and I’ll serve the Thai Shrimp dish now that I have a final formula.

•

I watched a Pedro Almodovar film last night. I really like his films. I love how he uses colour and overdubs sound.

When I was in my late thirties, I had a heart attack. When I was discharged, I had to spend a lot of time at home, sitting lying down for a couple of weeks. The girl next door, Stephanie, who was very young, came in to check on me every day once school was out. And one thing she did for me, was fetch videos.

One day, I asked her to get me an Almodovar film. I had heard of him, but never seen one of his films. Steph came home with six of his films. I phoned the library, told them I was an invalid, and asked if they could help me put the six film titles in chronological order. I popped in the first one, and when the credits finished, the first scene was Antonio Banderas—a young, brooding, phenomenally handsome Antonio Banderas—going into the bedroom of someone very rich, taking off all his clothes, and masturbating in the bed. 

I was hooked. I watched all those films. Then I watched them all again with the sound off, just studying the details of the sets. The guy is a visual artist in film. He has a wonderful way of telling his stories. I absolutely loved the film I watched last night—Pain and Glory (2019). It, too, featured Antonia Banderas as a gay man.

•

I am fluent with people on the trails, as long as someone doesn’t make a move to engage. I’m just fine when it’s a light short chat in passing. And that’s shitty, because my true friends get a pretty broken speaker, for the first half hour or so. Then I get better if we are in a home and it’s devoid of other activity. It’s brutally hard to speak with Dr. S. And impossible with clerks and servers, etc. On April 9, my poor speech will have been part of my for 8 years.

When I think about myself living in care somewhere, I see myself being completely non-verbal.

•

It’s cloudy today, and cool, but hey, it’s ain’t Nova Scotia or California. The photos that I’ve seen in both places are unbelievable. I got some mild yard work done yesterday, but I won’t be out there today. It’s an indoor day for me today. I love these days with no appointments, no pressure to do anything and when I can do whatever I want to do. 

There is a Theme

Sunday was gloriously bright and sunny, but it was a cool morning walk with the big dog walking group. Everyone was in very good spirits because of the weather, and I loved every second of it. I walked for a while with an interesting and jovial fellow who, as we talked, mentioned living in Finland. 

“What took you there?” I asked him. He went there due to winning a Fulbright Scholarship. Using Google, I discovered his amazing talent and recognition for his knowledge of mathematics. It was wonderfully interesting, talking with him.

•

I lived with a conundrum. I really enjoyed doing my shows. I have been putting on shows since I was five years old. However, these are the three worst experiences of my life.

One: I was a teenager when I went to see Raveen. He was a hypnotist who put on shows. My friends and I went downtown on the bus to the Orpheum Theatre on Granville Street. This was a big deal. But it turned dreadful when people came into the isles to choose people to hypnotize, and one chose me.

When all the chosen assembled onstage, I did what I was told. After something he asked us all to do, most of the people onstage went back to their seats. I remained onstage, and I was terrified because he supposedly hypnotized us, but I wasn’t hypnotized. I had to fake it. Thhis wasn’t the worst of it though.

There was an intermission. When he announced it, as part of his act, he gave all of us instructions to follow during the intermission, so I had to fake being hypnotized with my friends. And everyone wanted to interact with me; they’d ‘play’ with me as per the instructions they’d received from Raveen.

I remember standing in the aisle with my eyes closed, bobbing my head slowly back and forth and feeling like I was on fire. It was the worst experience I’d ever had in my life. All those people coming at me.

Two: I knew that there was going to be a party, but I had no idea that there would be so many people. I felt okay the entire time. It was all my friends, but I was fine. But then I was called into the living room and seated on a chair. (My heart started pumping when I wrote that sentence. That’s how horribly intense the experience was.)

All my friends crowded around, and they presented me with an envelope that contained a return trip to France. This became the worst experience of my life because it was so incredibly physically painful, and I let everyone down because I did not behave at all like someone grateful, and happy. 

If you could see the video, you’d see an expression of tense neutrality. I struggled to maintain my composure. Through the entire video, my hands are on the back of my head. What isn’t visible, is that I am massaging my head. The back of my head felt like it would explode. I was in excruciating pain, and it was all because everyone was looking at me. I did not like being the centre of attention. That’s when I learned that about myself.

Three: Same as number one. I was at Cirque du Soleil when I was selected from the audience to be part of an interactive magician skit. I knew everything that was going to happen. I’d already seen the show. So, as with Raveen, I have to fake being surprised at all he is going to do to me.

The fellow who selected me, a clown, had a firm grip on my wrist. I tried to resist. But he was in character and not taking No for an answer. Plus, the spotlight was on us. I knew there were 2,600 people in there, and that meant 5,200 eyes.

These are the worst moments of my life. But doing my biographical show, with music, was a highlight of my life. As was doing gigs at The Flame, a public story telling forum. The difference, it seems to me, is that in my shows, I am in control … of the script, the set, the performance. It’s me telling my story.

As I said in my monologue: “I absolutely sucked at acting.” There was nothing I wanted to do more, but I had no talent. I had no confidence. It was a very sad day when I learned how poor I was onstage. But I like being me onstage. I also, for decades, read only non-fiction. Truth is a primary tenet of the Church of Science. (Once secure in my faith, I became part of a fiction loving chapter of the church.)

During elementary school, every August, I would go down to Woodward’s at Park Royal mall, and I’d find Mrs. Banks. She would help me choose my clothes and my ‘mother’ would pay with her credit card, over the phone. On my first visit, Mrs. Banks asked me what I wanted to wear, and I told her: “I want to be invisible.”

When I passed an entrance exam for the federal civil servants, I was put on the ‘menu.’ The menu was an inventory of people passing the exam that was circulated to all the ministries to use for new-hires, so our profiles included our ambitions as well as our qualifications and experience. The interviewer asked me what kind of job I wanted, I said something like this: “I want to be an essential but invisible assistant to a minister or deputy minister.”

There is a theme.

My next session with Dr. S. will be my last session, for now or forever. That word ‘neglect,’ has hit hard. I want to live with that for a while. Let my psyche settle with that word, because it was the word that made me feel what happened to me. Fuck. At 76.

They say when you die, your life flashes before you. I’m getting flashes already. 

Oh oh.