Reinvention

Well… going by my Zoom experience with my stuttering group, the visit with Sharon, Julien and Mayke, and shopping in the village, my speech is not better after all. All these experiences were torture for me except the shopping one where the deli clerk quickly and comfortably understood that I was mute and signed “okay.” She thanked me when we were done by signing, as well. I even was able to sign to her! I signed a question: Do you sign? But she doesn’t; she just knows a few phrase that allow her to be polite and welcoming to deaf customers.

The visit with my friends was fine. I’m totally accepted and get a lot of love. But it comes down to this: I don’t like being who I am when I speak. My eyes close, my facial muscles twitch, my arms and hands spasm, and for what? Horrid, horrid semi-speech, awful to produce and awful to see and hear. 

I named my fake Aussie accent “Rand” because it didn’t feel like I was ‘me’ when I used it. I felt myself to be someone else. I’d often ask my friends if I could use my Rand voice to talk to them. I liked Rand, I had absolutely no symptoms when I ‘was’ Rand. In the spirit of naming my voices that do not seem like me, I’ve named my normal, but damaged, speaking voice “Quasimodo.”  

I hate being Quasimodo. I have a revulsion for the onslaught of symptoms the come on when I speak. If I could, I would never speak again. I want to speak as seldom as possible. I will be Quasimodo for my speaking friends as always, but I hope to make new friends with whom I can sign in life and online. 

My plan is to stay at home and work hard on my signing. And I’m going to hire a coach as soon as I can. A few posts ago, I was lamenting the changing of the year because I was afraid of what was going to happen and/or not happen with my voice this year. But that’s changed. I opened my mind to learning ASL and I haven’t felt as excited about anything for a long, long time. Sharon, who was here yesterday, took the name of the course I’m following because she’s pondering taking the course herself. She may become another person with whom I can sign. 

There’s been a shift in my sense of self. Until yesterday, I thought of myself as a speaking person. I don’t anymore, and I doubt I ever will again. I’m shedding a skin. Metamorphosing. Transitioning. From now on, “I” will be the person who is silent. Chris may have the odd seizure (but Quasimodo will inherit most of those), but signing Chris will otherwise be symptom-free of FND and an enthusiastic student of ASL.

I’ve done this before. I moved to France having never studied French, to learn both in a course at the university, and as I lived my life. Now I’m doing it again. Talk about re-invention! 

If you follow this blog, you’ve read this sentence many times: “I always feel better after I talk to Dr. Shoja.” With minutes of ending my last conversation with her on Zoom, I was enrolled in the ALS course. And in less than a week of realizing what signing can do for me, I’ve shifted how I think about myself. Being silent is way out; it’s a way to be FND free. I wanted to speak more than anything else for the past five years and now I want the opposite.

This is going forward.

Rain!

Above: Some of the icicles from my roof and in front of my bedroom are now almost two meters long! It’s certainly giving my home that mountain cabin look.

Below: The giant icicle just outside one of my guest rooms.

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I took Her Highness for a morning walk, and it felt great to walk with confidence on the path, thanks to my new ice grippers on my boots. Then we went into the village for supplies for dinner. But nothing is open. All our stores are closed today. WTF? They should be open for holiday hours. I mean, good grief: it’s just another day! When I got back, there was no message from Julien confirming his plans, so I called Di and told her I was coming to her place for lunch.

Great news! Really great news! My friend, Cathy, who lives in Halifax, did a few years of ASL training, so we’re planning to ‘chat’ together to learn vocabulary and to practice signing. I was thrilled to get her proposal in an email yesterday morning. Hurrah!!

Below is a photo that doesn’t do justice to the stunning beauty of these snowy mornings with clear bright skies. 

By 11:00 am, I had not heard from Julien and Mayke, so Sheba and I went to Di’s for the lunch she invited me to be part of. Donna, Erik, Rod, Di and I had a delicious lunch of very moist ham, scalloped potatoes, one of Di’s phenomenal salads, and some cake and ice cream for dessert. Yum! Yum! Yum! 

When I got home, there was an email from Julien saying they weren’t coming but will come here for lunch today, instead. I have a Zoom call at 10:00 with my BC stuttering group, so they will likely arrive shortly after the call concludes.

Then tonight … yay! … Episode one of Around the World in Eighty Days on PBS. I can hardly wait. David Tennant. Yum! I love the guy; he’s a fabulous actor!

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I awoke last night to the sound of rain. By the time I got up, water was dripping from every icicle and the snow is slushy and compacted. I had to rescue the roof of my plastic garage; I was almost to the point of tearing dur to the build-up of water in it. The entire yard is full of forest fall, however. There must have been quite a wind bringing the warmer weather. But it’s a relief to see my plants returning to the vertical position.

Sheba is now suffering with two damaged paws and she’s responsible for it, so it’s back to the vet, back on Prednisone and back to waking up in the night to let her out to pee. Prednisone makes her drink all available water.

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My experiences of yesterday—lunch with Di, Donna, Rod and Erik, and my video call with Dwight—they tell me that my speech is better. I’ll have a better idea of where I am at when I Zoom this morning with my stuttering pals, and when Julien and Mayke arrive, but I do feel it is far easier for me to speak when I’m with friends in a ‘safe’ place. And I think I know why.

I believe that beginning to learn ASL is the reason. I think making the decision and finding out that I like learning to sign has been good for my brain/soul/condition. I think the learning has given me hope for my future, pride in accomplishment and I’ve always loved learning, and I my new positive frame of mind has positively affected my speech. 

Visitors (Maybe)

I found some ice clamp type things that strap over my boots and give me traction. I bought them years ago and had forgotten about them. They are awesome. The rubber boots I have are for boats; they have completely smooth surfaces and are ludicrous for walking on snow and ice. But with the strap-on claws, I’m king/queen of the snow.

Also … Donna, a fellow dog walker, has offered to contact a close friend of hers who signs.  The signer is a Catholic nun who’s in charge of helping deaf children understand and participate in the mass. She lives in Vancouver. Donna is going to ask her if she’s willing to coach me as I learn to sign.

Last night, Julien and his girlfriend, Mayke, contacted me to propose coming to visit late today, staying over, and leaving tomorrow morning. I sent an enthusiastic yes. Am I nervous? That’s a definite, yes! As I post this, I’m await word this morning confirming they’re plan to come here.

If they are planning to arrive late enough in the day, I will go to Di’s for lunch, which would be fun. Donna will be there and Donna’s the person whose friend might be a good signing coach for me, so maybe she’ll have news.

I forgot it was New Year’s last night. I was engaged with my drawing and enjoying a night like every other and went to bed early. But now the holidays are done and I’m glad. Now if we could just get past the snow as well.

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Dr. S. explained why I speak terribly with friends. Basically, she rationalized my symptoms as consistent with my diagnosis. I got a sense of relief from the understanding she gave me. But the symptoms don’t change. It’s so, so frustrating!

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One aspect of being silent with my fellow dog walkers, is to notice how inane so much of what we say as we walk is. Yesterday, I found myself way ahead of the pack to get away from the silly banter—a social practice to which I was once firmly committed. 

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I’ve done more interior rearranging. I took my big chair out of the kitchen and added it to the living room. That room is now looking like a comfy cabin, too full of comfortable chairs and a sofa, but I like it. And I brought a table from the shed into the kitchen and so now I have more surface for preparing meals and the table is a handy place to put things that I bring in from the car for unpacking.

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I’m looking forward to doing more studying today. I didn’t do any yesterday; I was too busy with shopping, drawing and domestic duties. I’ve mastered the alphabet and done the first vocabulary lesson. Today, I learn numbers and more vocabulary.