Speech Analysis

 We walked on Saturday, I puttered and fertilized some of the garden beds before going into the village to meet Darryl, a new acquaintance, for lunch.  Ron came by at 1:00 and he took Sheba for a nice long trail walk while I was with Darryl. I drove Darryl home (at the south end of the island) and I got home just a few minutes before Ron and Sheba arrived home.

In the afternoon I fertilized some of the garden beds, and puttered around the garden, and then I came in to read until it was dinner time. We all ate late and then I watched some TV and we all went to bed early. 

Sunday morning Fred woke me up early; I was up at 5:00 on a wet cool morning. I lit a fire, and we all had our breakfast and then Sheba and I went for a nice long trail walk. The recent rains have everything growing furiously. It was spectacular to be out on an iffy morning. No one was on the trails; we had the whole park to ourselves. 

The wild Roses are blooming, the Blackberries are showing their big white stars, the Ocean Spray is about to burst into bloom, and there are a bazillion little gorgeous tiny pink, blue and purple flowers on the wild ground covers. It is a really beautiful time to take walkabouts in the forest. Sadly, the rain and wind has damaged my magnificent Clematis that’s in bloom at the end of my deck.

Sunday afternoon the sun returned, so Her Highness and I

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I’ve been analyzing my speech because it’s become so hard for me. When I asked Dr. Shoja if she might know why my condition is getting worse, her response was one of immediate and strong interest. She was eager to discuss the problem, but we had run out of time in our last meeting, so it’s the subject of our next session. Here is what I’ve written for her when we next meet:

There are the strangers I meet on the trails; with them I am fluent as long as things stay superficial. If they ask a personal question, my speech will start to become a problem.

The clerks in the stores. I self-serve and only talk to cashiers. I have become friendly with Bernadette, Jean, and Kelly. With them I can speak quite well. I tend to use single words or short phrases. I use my Boogie Board to ask questions.

Friends on the island. With these people I tend to have more difficulties.

With closer friends in the island. This is usually about having dinner together. For the first 20 minutes, my speech is very poor. After half-an-hour, I can be doing okay.

With friends on FaceTime or Zoom, I can participate but it’s very rough going.

With Dwight and Steve, via FaceTime or Zoom, it’s impossibly difficult to speak. I say single words or one word at a time very, very slowly. They are my closest friends.

Off island, out in the world, I am mute. I gesture and I use my Boogie Board.

 

All these categories of difficulty with speech can shift to the worse on a day when I’ve done a lot of physical labour, or if I’m tired, stressed, in pain, etc. The weather can affect me, noise, lights, other people, many variants mean that I never know what is going to happen until I open my mouth, every time I enter a new environment/situation.

What troubles me is the ‘illogical’ contrast between being fluent with strangers on the trail, and almost totally dysfunctional with my best friends who’ve been like brothers to me for 45 years. It seems to me that the closer I feel to a person, the worse I speak. 

 

Here is my best guess about why I have so much difficulty with speech with my best friends: Enlightenment has always come through a single word from you, and one word that you have used is “betrayal.” My birth mother and the two Tyrells, the Catholic Church and the state all ‘betrayed’ me. Everyone who was responsible for me, let me down. However, it’s only since becoming your patient have I heard of my past described in such terms as ‘neglect,’ ‘abuse,’ and ‘betrayal.’ Perhaps, I am wired, by this condition, sub-consciously, to believe that the closer a person gets to me, the more I fear betrayal.

Plus, this happened (as you know) Chris and Frani, two very close friends for 52 years, came here, bullied me, shamed me, and walked out of my life. They ridiculed me tor explaining my condition as we understand it. They have their own theory for my condition, and it is a mean one.

If my theory is correct, is there anything that I can do to become more fluent with my friends?

I have a related concern.

As my speech capacity has declined, I’ve become very physical when I speak. Not always, but often. Head bobs, tensing of the muscles in my shoulders and neck, arm movements, body swaying, etc. The harder I try to speak, the more physical I become. It can become painful when I speak too long. 

Often, with friends, I have apologized for my physical symptoms, and complained about them. When it has become a point of discussion between us, I’ve truthfully said, that it only happens when I speak. All this has led to me being far less connected. Friends, I reckon, have withdrawn because they see how their visiting impacts me. Dwight, Steve, David and Bruce, thank goodness, call regularly on FaceTime, and they all know to do all the talking.

I mostly listen, but I can speak very slowly and use ‘key’ words. Example: Could you please lend me a pen? Key word sentence: Pen. Me. Please. (Key word speak is how Tonto spoke to The Lone Ranger.)

For the first time in my life, I have felt somewhat lonely at times, but this is something I can work on. I have plans to invite people over (never just one person) for dinner, and to meet people to play croquet in the park.