Seizureland

More and more seizures plague me. I cancelled my deck date with my new neighbours because I don’t want to have a seizure in front of people I barely know. I’m Zooming this morning with my stuttering group and I’ve forewarned the co-ordinator that I might suddenly disappear. I plan to turn off my video if I’m hit with a seizure. They make my speech problem seem insignificant.

I’ll be warning my fellow dog walkers tomorrow and alerting my dentist at an upcoming cleaning. Forewarning seems to me to be the best practice to avoid people calling 911 and overreacting. I don’t change my medications for a month; I hope the change stops this sudden wave of seizures that began last week.

Is it a coincidence that my nightmares have stopped? Is anxiety like an animal searching for a way to escape the confines of my brain? Has my brain found that seizures are a more efficient or effective way of escaping than nightmares? I struggle to make sense of what goes on in my head.

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It’s brilliant and clear this morning. I had a spa under the stars (and my first seizure of the day). The spa is a lovely way to start my day—a day I’ll spend outdoors as much as I can as well as doing some reading, anxious to help time pass quickly so that I can enjoy Prime Suspect and All Creatures Great & Small this evening from the couch.

It’s light at seven-thirty now, not eight; the increasing daylight, my blooming Fuchsia and Snowdrops, plus the fresh green leaves on everything make it seem as though Springtime is imminent and that makes me quietly rejoice.

Emu eggs.

Precious Piglets

It’s like a switch gets thrown. I can be in the middle of a sentence, talking to Jane and Dana, or doing something entirely mundane that I do every day when suddenly my eyes close, my breathing is fast and furious but shallow, and I’ become oblivious to my surroundings. All I want to do is get control of myself—rather, I just wait for it to stop. It stops as suddenly as it starts and leaves me bewildered and exhausted.

There’s often an eye in the middle of the storm when I don’t breathe at all. It seems to take forever but is likely just fifteen seconds or so. That’s my guess. I had another one yesterday.

The return of these infuriating intrusions had me reviewing papers on PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures) and one cause is abuse of psychotropic drugs. My HIV medication is psychotropic; I’ve been taking it since 1996. So, I called the pharmacy at St. Paul’s where I get my medication to see what they had to say.

St. Paul’s is changing my HIV medication. I’ll no longer be taking the hallucinatory form of HIV medication before bedtime, exacerbating my nightmares and potentially causing or exacerbating my seizures. Instead, I’ll be taking non-psychotropic drugs in the morning. I’m grateful for the compassionate response and decisive action of St. Paul’s pharmacy—and, of course, our medical system. What a great country!

I got back into The Sympathizer and was filled with joy—both by the book and the simple joy of reading, particularly in the bright natural light of a stunning day. And then I went, finally, to meet Donald and Melania, Eoin and François’ new pigs. They are so, so stinking cute!

They’re still small, they’re only about two and a half months old, and it turns out that Melania is actually a boy, so another pig is already on its way: A female. I spent an hour in their company and Melania came within centimeters of eating out of my hand, which would have been a first. They have yet to be hand fed. That was my excitement for the day.

After leaving the piglets, I went to the grocery store for supplies with which to make the curry soup I love so much, followed by some bad television and then early to bed. 

Exhausted

I did nothing yesterday. I awoke exhausted from my trip and the two seizures of the previous two days. I was walking slowly and felt like a zombie. By evening, I was feeling myself and thoroughly enjoyed watching One Night in Miami, a wondrous and arresting movie with four actors: Kingsley Ben-Adir (as Malcom X) and Leslie Odom Jr. ( as Sam Cook), both of whom I adore from previous work of theirs that I’ve seen, and two excellent actors: Eli Goree as Cassius Clay and Aldis Hodge as Jim Brown.

Magnificently written and performed—almost entirely in a motel suite—the movie is a flight of imagination of what these four people discussed. The movie is derived from a play that postulates what these four outspoken black activists might have talked about; they actually were together in Miami on the night of February 25, 1964 after Clays’s defeat of Sonny Liston. Clay announced the next morning to the world that he’d be henceforth known as Muhammad Ali.

It really is a magnificent movie and terribly moving. Kingsley Ben-Adir is a masterful actor.

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Today is really windy and sunny. After we walk with our friends, I’ll be outside today, and happy to be so. Just doing little things around the yard. 

Sushi, Stills and Seizure

I delighted in the sight of stars in the morning sky when I went out for wood with which to light a roaring blaze to keep the house and cats warm whilst I played on the big island. I’m so energized by sunlight; I was excited about the day ahead.

I got in line at 7:45 for the 8:50 am ferry that was, of course, late (departing at 9:15). And once in line, Sheba and I went for a nice forest walk, getting back just in time for the scheduled departure. Traversing the little straight between Gabriola and the big island in blazing sunshine was a joy. Once arrived, we went to Walmart—yes, I am a Walmart shopper—got my supplies and then headed to Parksville.

We went directly to the park to walk along the boardwalk together, passing many other dogs as we walked. Then it was off to the sushi place to pick up our order and then to Jane and Dana’s. They were all ready for me and we ate right away. Oh, the joy of wasabi, rice and tuna in my grateful mouth!

After lunch, Jane and I and our dogs decided to go for a walk together. Just as we were about to depart, I had another nasty seizure that lasted, it seemed to me, two-to-three minutes—for me, that’s a long time to be out of control, rigid and panting. I sat down for a while afterwards and got my bearings, then we were off. That’s two big ones in two days after months without a single one. They are truly awful to experience.

Dana came and gave me gentle support and he didn’t say anything like “slow down” or “take it easy;” he just stood there patiently. Jane was silent too, and so were the dogs. Honestly, to be able to endure such loss of control and awfulness yet be so unjudged and supported by friends is miraculous compensation. I hate my seizures; I love my friends.

By the time I got back, it was time to head south to the ferry. We had a forty-minute wait, but Sheba is now comfortable and happy on the bed in the back of the van where she can sleep in any position she wants. Being co-pilot in the passenger seat was never a comfortable fit for her. We were home just past 4:30 and glad to be home.

I lit the fire and got directly onto the couch before going to bed early and sleeping better than I had in months.