Improvement

Saturday was a lost day, a total write off. I was so sore, I did as little as possible. I did our two walks with Her Highness, but that was all. The rest of the time I was on the chaise reading. It was the muscles in the back of my upper leg, and my thighs. They were really painful. But this morning, I am feeling much better. There is still slight pain, but rising, sitting and walking are much more comfortable to do.

I’m really enjoying book I’m reading, Lessons in Chemistry. The author, Bonnie Garmus, has a real talent for humour and the book is full of chemistry. I love it. Reading these fictional fantasies that I’ve been reading, are wonderful escapes. I only watch movies or taped television shows so that I live advertisement free. And I’ve found a way to live without the news. Of course, some things seep in from conversations and emails, but I do manage to keep the world at bay for the most part.

I have a single social event planned for the entire month of February. I’m having pizza with Eoin, François and Jay tomorrow night. And I’m only walking with my dog walkers once a week now, the other two days they walk, I will be at my fitness class, so this is going to be a very solitary month. I therefore expect to experience some improvement in my symptoms.

 It’s 0°. We’re back to cold weather for the coming week or more. Damn. But there is no snow in the forecast as afternoon temperatures should hover around 6°. We’ll go on the big dog walking group walk this morning, and the rest of the day will be reading by the fire.

My daffodils have large bud heads. They will soon be blooming!!!

Mexico Memories

I walked Sheba early so that I could leave her at home when I went to the exercise class that began at 9:30 in the community hall. I got there in time to register and joined the class of about 25 women, and 2 men. 

The class was demanding. When it came time to do jumping jacks, I was shocked and horribly disappointed to feel like I was going to fall apart. I am in dreadful shape. The jumping practically killed me. But I did sense some slight improvement as the class wore on. The instructor sets a challenging pace; or so it seemed to me in my first class. I could barely keep up at times, but with the arm strength exercises, it was a breeze.

Three quarters of the way through the class, I had a seizure, and it disrupted the class as the teacher and others worried about my condition. But Nancy was there to explain that I would be fine. I sat out the rest of the class and left for home before the class was over. I was a walking zombie when I got home, and I had a lot of work to do in advance of David and Ursula’s arrival for dinner. 

As I got close to finishing the main dish at 2:00 pm, I was already looking forward to saying goodbye to my guests and going to bed. I was beat from the class. It took all I had to keep moving to get the place clean and tidy and all the food preparation done. I thanked God for the semi-clear skies and absence of rain, and I slid into the spa for a pick-me-up in the middle of the afternoon. 

Then I took Her Highness to the park and came home for a bit of rest before the arrival of my guests. They came nice and early (5:15). We had a great time, and they left at 8:30. I went directly to bed and slept soundly until an astounding 6:30! 

I can barely walk today. My legs are so incredibly sore from the exercise, but it is a good pain. I may not go back on Monday if I am still this sore, but I plan to go back regularly twice a week. Once I build up some strength, it won’t be so painful the next day. I got a really lovely email from the instructor, asking if I was doing okay and urging me to come back if I so desire. There are 8 nurses in the class.

Today is gorgeous. Our morning walk was slow but heavenly. I will be on the couch all day reading. I have great leftovers to eat today, so I needn’t venture into the village. Hooray!

•

I was thrilled to receive these photos from Gilbert. They are souvenirs from a trip we took together in 1973, the first year I was at the Arts Club. We struck a show, starting at 11:00, and I finished work at about 1:30, then Gil, Burke, Micke, Michael and I took off in my van for Mexico. It was a trip I'll never forget.

Gil, Michael (inside the van), Burke, moi and Mike. Mike and I were roommates
and he later came to stay with me for quite a while in Nice.

The 5 of us slept in the van!! I can't believe that.

Mike

Mike's Hollywood shot. These are Gil's photos.

Moi, avec des cheveaux.

The Path Not Chosen

Thursday morning, I had my first spa for quite a while. The snow and bitter cold, followed by days and days of rain had me avoiding using it, but yesterday was so lovely and mild and there was a break from the rain, so in I went at 8:00 am. And it was good; it was very, very, good.

Another brilliant thing about yesterday was going for our afternoon romp in Rollo Park in sunshine and 13° temperatures. I felt as good as I do on a Summer day. It is so beautiful this year when it’s not -15° and snowing.

•

I reached the point in the path of my life, where I had to make a choice. One: Go down this path and you live with extreme anxiety, but you can live happily ever after (with anxiety) but you cannot speak. Or two: Go down the other path to speak, but when I do, I lose motor control, especially affecting my speech and causing seizures. Plus, I will live with severe anxiety. 

I went down path #2. Duh. But I wish I. had the balls to change to path #1.

I’ve hit an emotional wall. I’m feeling like an addict. I need a fix of (safe) human contact intermittently. But I really don’t like who I become when I speak in social situations. My speech has become staggeringly bad. Plus, the effort exhausts me, and it causes me to have seizures. As soon as I try to speak, my nervous system goes haywire. 

But I’m an addict and so I go to dinners, and I talk. And when I come home, I crash. I feel absolutely shitty about talking to people with my arms flying around in the air. And I think, I’ve got to stop doing this. But I can’t stop. I’m an addict.

I like David and Ursula. I really like and trust them. It’s nice to be building a warm rapport with them. But entertaining was once a source of pride and joy for me; now it’s an enormous source of stress. Hence my decision to buy a cake to serve for dessert. This is something I never do, but I want to reduce my stress; baking is stressful.

I’m making the main—a spicy Thai style prawn sauce to serve with rice—and a Thai salad. I want to keep things simple so that I am not stressed when they are here. I hope my symptoms are minimal for their visit. I think I’ll ask Dr. Soja if I should be taking a clonazepam tablet with every social engagement. Maybe that’ll help. She prescribed the pills, but I have never used them. It’s like Atavan.

•

It's Friday and I’m going to a fitness class at the community hall this morning. I have 2 friends who go, so I feel up to the challenge. I hope that I like it and want to continue. It’s been decades since I went to fitness classes. 

Bending Man

A man bends over at his waist as he walks because his back is hurting him. After a while, he stands upright and has no pain, and he thinks: God has cured me.

Another man does the same, and when he stands erect, he thinks to himself: I’ve discovered a miracle cure. I’m going to make millions.

When the next man to walk bending over stands up strait with no pain, he makes a plan: I’m going to write about this on the Facebook and get a billion likes.

A woman who walks bending over thinks when she stands up without pain: Oh fuck, I’m going to have to go back to work. Unless ….

Yet another man, walking with a bend rises without pain, he thinks: Oh, finally. Now I can be on top.

The last man in this parade of bent over walking says, when he stands up straight without pain, thinks: Hazel’s going to make me vacuum again.

When it was my turn to realize that the pain was gone when I stood straight, I wondered: Will this last?

I’d been hurtin’ in my left hip for the past few days. I’ve been walking with quite a limp, and so I dreaded yesterday’s afternoon walk with her Highness. Yesterday was particularly bad. I couldn’t do the morning walk, so Dwight and I went for breakfast after we walked her up and down the street.

When it came time for the afternoon walk, I decided to try bending over because that brought such relief during my sciatica attack. And it worked. I walked a short way and then tried standing upright and voila: No pain! Not only that, by bedtime no pain had returned, and I’m walking perfectly this morning.

 

•

When Her Highness and I got home from our morning walk, I had some time to chill and review my notes before talking with Dr. S. I was seriously looking forward to our session because of my ‘epiphany.’ I was very keen to her what she would say about the experience.

I’d say that session was the best session that I’ve ever had with her. It was intense. There were two intense parts: talking about my epiphany and making an impression with a heartfelt expression of gratitude.

I had no ma for our session. My decision to thank her for her services was spontaneous and I felt it sincerely. She responded in her professional way saying, “If I’ve been of help to you…..” And I cut her off. I spoke to her in a way I have never spoken to her before. I took control in a way I’ve have never done before. I said, “No! No ‘if.” The safe space you have provided, and the vocabulary you gave me to help me understand the massive changes to the way I live in the world are gifts that must be acknowledged. You have rescued me.”

And she turned into Sheila Soja. We talked as people, equals, about our odd relationship where one knows all and the other knows nothing. I reminded her of things said in err before I understood how we were to work, and we laughed about them. It felt friendly between us for a bit. Our next session is in a month. I think it will be my last.

•

I’ve been really struck by how much vocabulary has meant to me over these past eight years. I’ve needed new words to describe my physical actions, and neurological terms with which to explain how trauma turns into involuntary physical actions, and psychological terms to describe my new life of extreme emotional over-reactions to so very many things.

“Psycho-neurological:” that word has had an enormous impact on me. It was new to me this session as well as “neglect.” P-N, used to describe my condition by Dr. S., made me instantly, and finally, understand the link between my current behavior and my past trauma. My next session with Dr. S. may be my last forever. I feel that I have all the pieces of the puzzle. My map is complete.

•

My visit with Dwight was short but wonderful fun. But it was short. I picked him up in Nanaimo on Tuesday at 4:00, and I dropped him off at the ferry terminal to go back home at 11:00 Wednesday morning. But before he left, we went for breakfast at Ground Up and an older gentleman beside us said to us as he left, “You two fellows seem to enjoy a wonderful warm friendship. How nice for you both.” I was very moved by him, so was Dwight.

•

When I got home from dropping Dwight off, I went to bed. When I got up, I spent the rest of the day in a zombie state. I was thoroughly and completely exhausted. Visits sap all my strength. I went to bed early last night, and I slept in late this morning. I feel ‘normal’ now, thank goodness. 

And wonderful news!!!  Tomorrow we’re expecting clearing in the afternoon, and then a week of sunny skies and warm days with cool nights. I’ll get some essential wood splitting done.