Bending Man

A man bends over at his waist as he walks because his back is hurting him. After a while, he stands upright and has no pain, and he thinks: God has cured me.

Another man does the same, and when he stands erect, he thinks to himself: I’ve discovered a miracle cure. I’m going to make millions.

When the next man to walk bending over stands up strait with no pain, he makes a plan: I’m going to write about this on the Facebook and get a billion likes.

A woman who walks bending over thinks when she stands up without pain: Oh fuck, I’m going to have to go back to work. Unless ….

Yet another man, walking with a bend rises without pain, he thinks: Oh, finally. Now I can be on top.

The last man in this parade of bent over walking says, when he stands up straight without pain, thinks: Hazel’s going to make me vacuum again.

When it was my turn to realize that the pain was gone when I stood straight, I wondered: Will this last?

I’d been hurtin’ in my left hip for the past few days. I’ve been walking with quite a limp, and so I dreaded yesterday’s afternoon walk with her Highness. Yesterday was particularly bad. I couldn’t do the morning walk, so Dwight and I went for breakfast after we walked her up and down the street.

When it came time for the afternoon walk, I decided to try bending over because that brought such relief during my sciatica attack. And it worked. I walked a short way and then tried standing upright and voila: No pain! Not only that, by bedtime no pain had returned, and I’m walking perfectly this morning.

 

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When Her Highness and I got home from our morning walk, I had some time to chill and review my notes before talking with Dr. S. I was seriously looking forward to our session because of my ‘epiphany.’ I was very keen to her what she would say about the experience.

I’d say that session was the best session that I’ve ever had with her. It was intense. There were two intense parts: talking about my epiphany and making an impression with a heartfelt expression of gratitude.

I had no ma for our session. My decision to thank her for her services was spontaneous and I felt it sincerely. She responded in her professional way saying, “If I’ve been of help to you…..” And I cut her off. I spoke to her in a way I have never spoken to her before. I took control in a way I’ve have never done before. I said, “No! No ‘if.” The safe space you have provided, and the vocabulary you gave me to help me understand the massive changes to the way I live in the world are gifts that must be acknowledged. You have rescued me.”

And she turned into Sheila Soja. We talked as people, equals, about our odd relationship where one knows all and the other knows nothing. I reminded her of things said in err before I understood how we were to work, and we laughed about them. It felt friendly between us for a bit. Our next session is in a month. I think it will be my last.

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I’ve been really struck by how much vocabulary has meant to me over these past eight years. I’ve needed new words to describe my physical actions, and neurological terms with which to explain how trauma turns into involuntary physical actions, and psychological terms to describe my new life of extreme emotional over-reactions to so very many things.

“Psycho-neurological:” that word has had an enormous impact on me. It was new to me this session as well as “neglect.” P-N, used to describe my condition by Dr. S., made me instantly, and finally, understand the link between my current behavior and my past trauma. My next session with Dr. S. may be my last forever. I feel that I have all the pieces of the puzzle. My map is complete.

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My visit with Dwight was short but wonderful fun. But it was short. I picked him up in Nanaimo on Tuesday at 4:00, and I dropped him off at the ferry terminal to go back home at 11:00 Wednesday morning. But before he left, we went for breakfast at Ground Up and an older gentleman beside us said to us as he left, “You two fellows seem to enjoy a wonderful warm friendship. How nice for you both.” I was very moved by him, so was Dwight.

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When I got home from dropping Dwight off, I went to bed. When I got up, I spent the rest of the day in a zombie state. I was thoroughly and completely exhausted. Visits sap all my strength. I went to bed early last night, and I slept in late this morning. I feel ‘normal’ now, thank goodness. 

And wonderful news!!!  Tomorrow we’re expecting clearing in the afternoon, and then a week of sunny skies and warm days with cool nights. I’ll get some essential wood splitting done.