The Holdovers!!!!!

Wednesday was a wet day. Our morning dog walking group fell apart due to the rain, and so Her Highness and I walked together alone, and then we went into the village to shop for supplies for Friday night’s dinner. No mint. Fuck. Nester’s was chock full of supplies, but their herb selection was dismal. Sigh. 

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Last night, I watched The Holdovers. It’s my kind of movie. It’s a feel-good movie, and I loved every second of it. The three leads are feats of casting and acting, and it’s a masterpiece of writing and directing, in my biased opinion. I’m sure, from the outside, I appeared comatose, I was so engrossed with the movie. Oh, for more of such films.

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I continue to think about why the word “neglect” has had  such an emotional impact on me. I grew up pissed that my parents were so distant; I wanted the family experience, and that desire stayed with me all my life. The word “neglect” is a descriptor of my experience that puts the focus on me and not my parents. And as I thought about my experience, armed with all that Dr. Shoja has told me about neglect, all I felt was sorrow for my young self. Sometimes, identifying with sorrow is therapeutic, and it was for me. I was sad to think of not just me, but neglected children everywhere. 

My 52-year friendship with Frani ended when she exploded with anger and aggressive criticism when I explained my diagnosis to her—at her request. One thing that hurt, amongst the many vicious things she said. was: ‘You brought this on yourself.” That word, “neglect,” and all that I have learned about its impact on a child makes me confident that I didn’t. She is wrong, and she won’t hear otherwise. For two years, I actively missed her; now, I’m pissed at her. Missed her, pissed her.

The best thing about this new word to describe my experience and all the understanding that has flowed from it, is that it allows me to die more at peace. I’m a child of the sixties and seventies, I’m all peace and love, man, and we believed that understanding of self was our primary purpose. Check.

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Today, I’m going to try to revive the baking skills I learned so very long ago in baking school. I’m going to make choux paste as bake it in eclairs shape, so today I will make the pastry cream that will fill them. Tomorrow, I’ll bake the eclairs, fill them, and coat the top with chocolate.

I’ll also make the Thai shrimp sauce that I’ll be serving tomorrow night, and I’ll do some tidying because tomorrow I have a lot to do for the dinner, plus I am going to fitness in the morning. Then, with the party at night, I’ll be having a very busy day.