Cords Two and Three Arrive

I continue to read about Polyvegal Theory and the effects of CPTSD on the body, and to read about non-epileptic seizures. Yesterday, I came upon the film above that shows the impact of shell shock (PTSD) on him. He has significant mobility challenges. In my case, it’s speech and seizures, not mobility issues, but to see in someone else how PTSD, a problem of the mind, affects their body and behaviour amazes me and helps me accept what’s happened to me. 

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Cords three and four (of six) arrived at 8:30 this morning. I was taken by surprise by how early they arrived. And then, as I started toting and stacking the wood, Leo from next door, arrived with his wheelbarrow to help. And then, Merrill, his partner, arrived with their daughter, Élise, and I had the nicest morning imaginable as we all helped stack my wood.

At about 10:30, we stopped for a break. I made Leo a coffee and we sat in the sunshine together chatting when, all of a sudden, I had a seizure—a mild one. They were nonplussed and we had a chat about it afterwards. And then, suddenly, the sky turned dark—very dark, and then the hail started. So, they bolted for home and I came inside for lunch.

Fifteen minutes later, the sun was out again, and the sky had cleared, so I was ready to get back to toting and stacking wood on my own. But I felt so little pressure to work hard and fast given the head start their help had given me. Poor Sheba had no walk this morning. But it was a first, going without a morning walk, so I don’t feel badly. 

Now it’s 11:30; I’m heading back at it. I felt prepared to go until about 3:00 but no longer. 

As he left, Leo said he looked forward to doing lots of things together. I was so, so moved by him. They are remarkably wonderful warm people. I feel blessed to have them as neighbours and a little less nervous about being with them now that they’ve seen me have a seizure. I am so lucky to have some new friends. As I say … a blessing. 

Dana sent this photo of me and Sheba that he took
on Qualicum beach last summer.

Bedroom Video!

I had a nice cabinet in my studio, and it stored all my DVDs collected over the years. Plus, I had a DVD player and television on top of it. Yesterday morning, I moved the TV and player into my bedroom and the cabinet into my grand room. Now, on some evenings, I can take a DVD of a favourite film and watch it from my bed. I should have done so ages ago. I’ve never used the TV since I bought it five years ago. Now I will.

Once I got everything hooked up, I wondered if I could get Netflix on the bedroom TV. I unhooked my Apple TV router from my living room machine and hooked it up to the bedroom TV and it worked! I’m so stoked that I can watch Netflix in bed now. I bought another Apple router to hook up the living room TV to Netflix that will be here in a week. Hooray!!

Yesterday was inspiring thanks to the sunshine and not having any wood to stack. Plus, it was truly warm—eight degrees in the morning and twelve in the afternoon. After our walk, I moved a few wheelbarrows full of last year’s wood to my back porch to make room for more incoming wood and to have wood to burn nice and close by.

Inspired by the weather, I did the unthinkable. I moved more wood! I took a lot of wood from the woodshed that I got last year, and stacked it on my back deck, nice and close to my back door so that keeping the fire going will be a lot easier for me for the next several weeks. Plus, I created more space in the woodshed for incoming green wood.

I love Sundays. I love Catherine Duncan’s choral program in the morning and the great television in the evenings. But the best part of the day, yesterday, was being outside in such glorious weather.

In the evening, I was grateful for the abundance of good shows on television. I always enjoy the Great Canadian Baking Show but All Creatures Great & Small was a disaster. Oh my God; talk about treacly! I was suffocating in schmaltz. What a horror and disappointment. Still, there’s the handsomeness of Nicholas Ralph (especially in that long blue overcoat and fabulous scarf) and Callum Woodhouse.

The girlfriend interest and housekeeper both went through unbelievable transformations (for the worse), the scene where James has to decide to continue to Scotland or return to the wedding shot literally in an intersection, Siegfried’s every move around his love interest and the forced dialogue of the farmer couple, talking about love as their dog gave birth to a litter were embarrassingly heavy handed. It was PBS meets Hallmark. Pooey! But I’ll watch next season of course.

Today: Who knows? Right now, there’s lots of clear blue sky but the prediction, of course, is for rain. But it’s still warm. I’ll likely read, maybe go to the grocery store and otherwise chill as I’ve asked to receive the second two cords of wood to stack tomorrow.

Two Cords Done!

This young man is named Isaiah Jordan.

What a miracle! There was blue sky yesterday morning as I contemplated another twenty barrels full of wood schlepping and stacking. What a break! Both Friday and yesterday were supposed to be days of rain, but it held off and I was able to work in cool but dry weather. I took Sheba for our morning walk early so I could get at the wood. Slow and sure was my mantra. 

I did five loads and took a break. And my God, what a blessing to be working under clear skies, the sunshine making the work feel much easier. It was tiring, the endless lifting and bending, but it was satisfying to see the walls of wood build up in my shed. I was blessed when I purchased this place; it has so much room for storing wood.

I’d done fifteen barrows full by eleven when I stopped for soup. I was thrilled to see how much progress I’d made by my early lunchtime. I ate wondering if I might finish the entire two cords. I decided to give it a try, given how nice a day it was. All I could think about was getting to quitting time, into the spa and onto the couch for an evening of watching television—it’s Prime Suspect night.

My break was only ten minutes. By noon, I was pooped. I’d done twenty-one barrows full and it was time to rest. But I felt I could finish; after a short rest, I was back outside and I’d finished stacking all the wood at 14:00. A half-hour later, I’d swept the tarpaulins clean, folded them and put them away. I made myself a sandwich before taking Sheba for a walk, and then I came home to crash and chill for the rest of the day.

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This morning, it’s clear and bright again! I can’t believe it. The forecast has been for rain for the past several days that all turned out to be lovely. It’s predicted to reach 11° today, too! Sheba will be happy today. We’ll have nice long walks instead of the short ones of the past two days when I was wood stacking.

My plants survived the cold; my Sweet Boxwood is blooming and filling the air with the scent of Jasmine. Only a month of Winter remains to be endured; soon they’ll be making Springtime feel real and it’ll be so, so welcome. 

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Resolution: To shut up and carry on. No more writing or talking about my speech or seizures. It’s time to move on.

Twenty Barrows Full

I was stunned by this film. Yes, it’s of interest to me—I’m HIV+ and once ran the AIDS Vancouver organization; I know all the virus lingo—but it’s remarkable low-budget filmmaking and a stunning denunciation of American health care. The editing decisions, the unscripted dialogue of everyone involved, the pace, the choice to speak to the camera and the structure, they all totally hit their marks. And the protagonist, Christopher Nicholas, a physician, is smart, charming and eloquent—he speaks at about a hundred miles an hour, a hero advocate! 

Watch this short film, and ‘pray’ for a better world. Corporate capitalism, I hate it. Thank God for Tommy Douglas and our health care system.

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From 5:30 am yesterday, until I left for our dog walk at 8:45, I watched videos and visited quite a few websites dealing with non-epileptic seizures—there’s even an hour-long documentary about NEAD on YouTube. One of them helped me understand the almost euphoric feeling I had when I got the official diagnosis:

“For some patients, simply being given a label for their symptoms and so understanding what their attacks are can mean that they stop having as many attacks or that their attacks stop completely (around 1 in 10). Being given a label for symptoms can provide a sense of relief. Knowing that you have a recognised condition can help patients to realise that they are not the only one out there with this, or that they are not ‘going mad’.”

When I got home, I got ready for the arrival of my first cords of wood, laying out a tarpaulin on the ground to receive it, moving the van and opening the backyard gate and she doors to make it easy for me to navigate my wheelbarrows loaded high with wood. As I waited for the wood, I set my goal at ten loads today. God blessed me, sending brief periods of sunshine to motivate me on a day predicted to be wet.

The wood came late. It arrived just after one. By 15:00, I’d done seven loads and I stopped for a rest as light showers began. I made yet another vat of soup and had a huge drink of Diet Coke, and then went back for more, figuring that I’d really enjoy a spa and a relaxing evening if I got a good whack of work done.

I worked until 4:30 and got twenty wheelbarrows full done, plus I got all the remaining wood covered. After dinner I was walking around like a rickety hundred-year-old man. At 8:30, I had a doozy of a seizure. It was scary long lasting and more physical than the others I’ve had of late. 

I’m not going to read anything more about seizures online or in the links Dr. S. sent to me. I’m afraid they’re giving my broken brain ideas. And I’m going to be very careful about what I watch. Documentaries or dramas with horrible human behavior cause me to over sympathize and put me in a danger zone.

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It’s supposed to rain today but it’s not currently raining, so I hope to be out there all the time I can be to get another twenty barrels full of wood stacked. Monday and Tuesday are predicted to be sunny; I won’t mind working on those days and by then, I should be done. It ain’t so bad, this wood schlepping and stacking—even in Winter—I must remember this next year.