Tuesday, July 6, 2021


This is from the letter I wrote to my doctor): 

I had a second Prinzmetal attack 29 years ago. I had some kind of test that produced a 3-D heart. I lay on a narrow board, and some kind of machine whirled around me for 45 minutes. When I got off the beam, the technician showed me a model of my heart on a computer screen. She pointed out two “icicles” of yellow, wide at the top, narrow at the bottom, arching down my heart, and she said each was a scar from a myocardial infarction—damage to the heart muscle.

Dr. Fung diagnosed Prinzmetal angina (PA). He said it was the underlying condition and that my attacks were critical symptoms of it. Although I did not go to hospital when I had the first attack, I remembered it. The second one caused me to feel the same way, but it did not stop. It was the worst, the one last week was like number one: It stopped on its own.

Dr. Fung said that my coronary artery that feeds my heart, goes into spasm, and that the “icicles” were scar tissue—dead cells, killed by restricted blood flow to my heart muscle. I’ve been worried that my bout of Prinzmetal last week created another icicle because more scar tissue could explain my remarkable loss of energy and strength.

Five years ago, I wrote a post on this blog:  

I think of who I am now as, Chris.2. Chris.1 being who I was before the onset of my neurological symptoms. Chris.2 has been infected, not with a virus, but a demon who juggles balls called, Seizures, Muteness and Stuttering.

I feel that I’m now living as Chris.3—all of Chris.2, plus seriously diminished energy. All letters in the word suicide. Just kidding. Regardless of whatever the story is that explains how I’ve been living my life these past six days: I am functioning at 40%. 

And that means hiring wood stackers and roof cleaners and maybe even gardeners. I can’t carry heavy things, bending over is nasty and walks must be short. It also means I pretty much want to stay home. I’m thirsty for guidance. I hope Dr, Majic and our medical system can advise me about what to avoid.

My big question is: Permanent or passing? Chris.3 or back to Chris.2? 

Yesterday, I pondered life as Chris.3. Chris.3 makes me feel “elderly.” And going down. So, what to do?

As Chris.3 I can stay continue to live here if I hire help from time to time. I can live safely and joyously with my pets and garden, and day trips are possible. It’ll take time to feel the limits of activity. My own experience, plus any information that I can get from Dr. Maic and the medical community, will help me know if it’s permanent.

I’ve transitioned before when I became Chris.2. Before I transition, I must go through hope, understanding and acceptance. I’m cynical about recovery not only because of how I feel right now, but also because Chris.2 has been around for five years. So, in case this is permanent, I wondered how I could make Pinecone Park a little merrier.

I went to Eoin and François’ place yesterday to see their ducks. In a week or so, they expect to know the gender of each one. They can only have three males in their flock of 26. They have to lose excess males. And so, I told them that I’d be interested in taking any unwanted males if there’s more than one. I’ll turn the wasteland into Duckland—pond and all.


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