Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Emotional Doldrums

“My speech is a window to my mind.”
I succumbed; I took drugs last night. I felt defeated and wanted to come up for air today. 
I went back though this blog to read about past meltdowns and through my notes from Dr. Shoja and the keyword is “overstimulation.” I’ve no doubt now that my current state is because I welcomed visitors for too long and too close together. 
I have to control the amount of stimulation I take in; I keep forgetting that and relearning the same lesson.
I want to be better and I am better. The cessation of seizures proves that. But my speech serves as a barometer of my condition. The fact that I am mute right now and cannot even talk well with friends tells me with certainty that my Amygdala is going crazy.
It’s supposed to reach 20° today. Every time I express my enthusiasm about the arrival of the good weather, locals cringe: “Just wait. Soon you’ll be wishing it would rain and cool down.”
Yesterday morning I got Sheba’s claws clipped and in two weeks she goes in for her first of five grooming sessions. I got a brush and comb so I can groom her and get her used to them before she starts at the groomer’s. 
Afterwards we went to the beach where I met Ava and her (single) Mom from Mudge Island. Ava lovedSheba. We walked together for 45 minutes and we talked and I barely stuttered. She was such a lovely warm and welcoming woman, I felt completely relaxed.
Then I came home and, as I did yesterday, went immediately back into town while Sheba slept to have lunch and do errands. But as soon as I got into the village, I crashed again. I fled quickly to the car, reclined the seat and went to sleep in Robert’sparking lot. When I woke up, I came home, had two migraines back-to-back and stayed horizontal for the rest of the day.
When Beth was here, we watched TV and I stayed awake. During these doldrums, TV is a nice nursemaid in the evening. I’m glad I got the exposure with Beth. The TV takes my mind off my situation.
It’s now 6:30 am. The day is breaking and I hope the medications have me capable of productivity today. The doldrums steal all my energy. I want to be my more active self again and finish my fence decorating. I’ve slept and napped most of the past two days away.

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