Shari Leaves

Shari, Sheba and I. Photo by Beth.

Sunday was lovely. I got up early and lit the fire so my guests would be warm when they got up. We lazed away the early morning, then Shari went off to get her musical instruments from the venue she’s performed in, and Beth and I went on the big dog walk. It was a beautiful sunny day; the walk was heavenly. 

I took Beth home after the walk and went into the village to do some shopping. When I got home, we made lunch (salad Niçoise); the afternoon was quiet and gentle. Late in the day, all three of us walked Sheba and then we came home for a lovely roasted Chicken dinner together, followed by Call the Midwife and Grantchester on PBS.

This morning, bright and early (6:30 am), I was up to help Shari load up all her gear and leave, aiming to catch an early ferry to Nanaimo and from there, home to Vancouver. Now, Beth is up and she’s unlikely to join Sheba and I on our group walk, but it’s a glorious looking day and so we’ll have no trouble enjoying it together before going to The Surf for dinner.

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I’m chuffed! I weighed myself this morning because two weeks ago I decided to lose weight, and I’ve already lost seven pounds! I’m aiming to lose twenty-three more.

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Beth, Shari and I have had a really lovely time together. We’re very compatible. Beth, like all my friends, have come to an understanding of my condition and is, like all of them, very considerate of my limitations. Also, I am one Hell of a lot better that her last visit, two years ago. Socializing is much, much easier for me now.

Shari Arrives

The recent spate of visits of close friends to Pinecone Park has been a wonder because I am so happy with the improvement of my FND symptoms. Yes, I had one teeny seizure, and yes, my speech was, at times, fluent. But much of the time it was rough. However, I, and all my friends, are used to it and I never fail to get my thoughts out. It feels indescribably good to have more confidence about socializing.

Here’s something I think is another “lead” to understanding my disorder: I was terrified of the wedding and a roomful of strangers, yet at the event I was quite fluent; my speech is worse with my closest friends. 

I understand the FND is an anxiety disorder. I also understand that anxiety takes many forms; the #1 thing for me about anxiety is that there appears to be on form wherein the sufferer knows why he or she is anxious. That’s not my experience. I have failed, after five years of living with FND, to understand what provokes my seizures and causes my speech defect.

So, why do I become more symptomatic with friends? Dwight is my spiritual brother, yet I am not fluent with him. It’s the same with anyone I am close to—that is, whom I trust, respect and from whom I feel affection, and for whom I feel an affection that fulfills me more than anything. So, I figure the anxiety might have something to do with how much I could lose if I somehow offended, whereas with strangers, I have little to lose.

I’ll continue to ponder my experience with FND, but I feel that finally, after five years with it, I can, as people say, “move on.” I’m feeling happier about myself and life than I have in five years.

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Before switching my psychotropic HIV drug to my new one which is not psychotropic, my nightmares have stopped. Instead, I have dreams about being inadequate. Still negative, but no longer toxic and about dying. I suspect I am not alone. I’ll bet you a lot of people have dark dreams.

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Shari arrived late yesterday afternoon, dropped off her stuff here and then went to the house where she was giving her concert. Later, she came back to pick up Beth and I had the house to myself for the evening until they came back just before 10:00. We had a debriefing of the concert and then we all went to bed.

Today has dawned bright and clear. I go on the big dog walk this morning and later we’ll be making our Thanksgiving dinner and the three of us will have a lovely evening together. 

Beth's Visit So Far

Above: One of the most heartbreaking images I have ever seen.

"The Virunga National Park said in a statement Tuesday that Ndakasi died on Sept. 26 after battling a prolonged illness and “took her final breath in the loving arms of her caretaker and lifelong friend, Andre Bauma.” The statement is accompanied by a photo of Bauma, who befriended the gorilla when she was just 2 months old, holding Ndakasi shortly before her death at the park’s Senkwekwe Center, where she had lived for about twelve years.

Her life started with tragedy. In April 2007, rangers at the Congolese park found a 2-month-old Ndakasi “clinging to the lifeless body of her mother, gunned down by armed militia hours earlier,” park officials said in a statement. Her mother’s death was part of a series of massacres of gorilla families in the region that led the park to strengthen the protection of its mountain gorillas, they added.

Understanding how dangerous it would be to leave the mountain gorilla by herself, vulnerable to people with guns and human encroachment, rangers brought Ndakasi to the park’s rescue center. It’s there that she met Bauma.

“All night long, Andre held the baby close to him,” the park said in a statement."

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Thursday was a pretty decent day. It’s nice that Beth got to fly and arrive in welcoming weather. I picked her up at 2:00 and because our girl loves her wine, I took her into town to pick some up and then we took Sheba for a lovely walk in the sunshine before coming home to chill, have dinner and then watch a movie.

Friday began with a dog walk with my small group and Beth joined us, then we went into the village to check out a show by local artists (dull) and to get some grazing food for Beth before coming home for lunch. Then we went to Patsy’s grave in our local graveyard, and then we went to Drumbeg Park for a walk. There was almost no one there!

Then it was more chilling before dinner and more TV time.

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I had one short and mild seizure last night—my first in, perhaps, six months. One or two a year, however, is nothing compared to the twenty a day I was having when they started.

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Today, the only thing on our agenda is to shop for supplies with which to make us, and Shari, a Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow night.

Beth Arrives Today

Yesterday I went to see the new-born piglets at Eoin’s and François’ place, and I saw the foundations underway for their greenhouse. The two men are my heroes. They are living a life I would love to lead, and they have talents I dearly wish I had. Whilst there, I bid two of the pigs adieu; they are going to be butchered soon. It was sad and hard for me, and E&F knew it. I am such an animal lover!

After seeing them, Sheba and I went for an afternoon walk and along came the most gorgeous horse, ridden by a lovely welcoming woman. She stopped so that I could pat and cuddle with her horse, a retired show horse that was absolutely gorgeous and very, very friendly. We spent about ten minutes talking as I patted and scratched the horse. It’s such a privilege to touch an animal, especially one as majestic as this one.

The evening, as is usual, was spent on the couch. I finished the The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao yesterday, so television took up my evening.

Today, Beth comes so I’ll do some shopping for dinner and do some domestic duties before going to Silva Bay to pick her up. She’s coming for five days, so I want to be relaxed about her visit and she knows that. However, one good thing is that I can be confident that I’ll not have any seizures.