The recent spate of visits of close friends to Pinecone Park has been a wonder because I am so happy with the improvement of my FND symptoms. Yes, I had one teeny seizure, and yes, my speech was, at times, fluent. But much of the time it was rough. However, I, and all my friends, are used to it and I never fail to get my thoughts out. It feels indescribably good to have more confidence about socializing.
Here’s something I think is another “lead” to understanding my disorder: I was terrified of the wedding and a roomful of strangers, yet at the event I was quite fluent; my speech is worse with my closest friends.
I understand the FND is an anxiety disorder. I also understand that anxiety takes many forms; the #1 thing for me about anxiety is that there appears to be on form wherein the sufferer knows why he or she is anxious. That’s not my experience. I have failed, after five years of living with FND, to understand what provokes my seizures and causes my speech defect.
So, why do I become more symptomatic with friends? Dwight is my spiritual brother, yet I am not fluent with him. It’s the same with anyone I am close to—that is, whom I trust, respect and from whom I feel affection, and for whom I feel an affection that fulfills me more than anything. So, I figure the anxiety might have something to do with how much I could lose if I somehow offended, whereas with strangers, I have little to lose.
I’ll continue to ponder my experience with FND, but I feel that finally, after five years with it, I can, as people say, “move on.” I’m feeling happier about myself and life than I have in five years.
Before switching my psychotropic HIV drug to my new one which is not psychotropic, my nightmares have stopped. Instead, I have dreams about being inadequate. Still negative, but no longer toxic and about dying. I suspect I am not alone. I’ll bet you a lot of people have dark dreams.
Shari arrived late yesterday afternoon, dropped off her stuff here and then went to the house where she was giving her concert. Later, she came back to pick up Beth and I had the house to myself for the evening until they came back just before 10:00. We had a debriefing of the concert and then we all went to bed.
Today has dawned bright and clear. I go on the big dog walk this morning and later we’ll be making our Thanksgiving dinner and the three of us will have a lovely evening together.