Speech and Brain Aftershocks

Wednesday began early. I got up at 4:15, and when Sheba pawed at the door to be let out, I walked her to the gate in the blackest of black but with stars glowing all over the sky. It was beautiful and a comfortable 14°. I was looking forward to doing more yard work, but I had to go to Life Labs early to line up for a walk-in appointment. I walked Her Highness at 7:00 and then left her at home while I went to the lab.

I’m so happy to see Sheba walking with her legs in alignment and at a frisky pace. I was very nervous about her future during the recent two weeks of her balking at walking. I’m had a good look at her feet and the little growth on her leg when I got back from the lab, and then I got busy with thoroughly watering all the garden beds.

I enjoyed the watering, especially when I was able to stand in the sunlight and feel the warmth of the sun. Those plants losing leaves and lying low to the ground, I needn’t water as much. They are moving into dormancy. When the yard is cleared, I shall address the surface of the beds, clearing out the cones and needles.

I did not love raking in the front yard and doing more toting. My back gets so, so sore. But I finished all the yard work. Next is clearing the beds of cones, twigs and needles.

At 14:00, I Zoomed with Aidan.  I have homework! I have lots of homework to do, but it ain’t gunna happen today. I did one task last night and finished it this morning. The rest I’ll do tomorrow and Saturday because both days are likely to be dark and wet.

We walked Elder Cedar late in the afternoon. Sheba walked just fine and I was very, very happy. I took all her bandages off and she has not been liking and biting herself. Still, I do not feel it wise to take long walks with her.

Just as I was sitting down to eat last evening, Pete came by with grapes. I’m very fond of Pete. I think everyone who knows him, likes him. He radiates goodness. He’s always smiling and happy.  I was fluent when speaking with him! It waws such a pleasant surprise because I’ve been really struggling with my speech for two days now. I think of these sudden-onset declines in my speech as aftershocks to my breakdown. 

It’s bad in my brain right now. I’m not happy with how I’m thinking about myself. Crying when Dwight departed got me thinking. I won’t bore you with the details, but I know that these bad thoughts are because of the aftershock. 

One thing that is happening are thoughts about having done something wrong and deserving this. I can’t shake my Catholic-instilled link of disease, self-blaming and guilt. This will pass. My speech will get better again; and my self-loathing will go away. 

I still do best with my speech here at home with trusted people; hence my ease with Pete. It’s just much harder to function, even with friends, ‘out there.’ Even here on the island, I am having difficulties with people who have heard me speaking recently. I want to have a long, deep sleep, and wake up feeling better.

Today, I shall do yard work. I’m looking forward to it because the worst is over. All the raking and toting is done. Today I’ll be focusing on cleaning up the garden beds. Woo hoo!