- "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
- "Ah yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
- "If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."
- "Do you think God gets stoned? I think so. Look at the Platypus."
- "We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
- "We Americans, we're a simple people…but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities."
- "Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
- "You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married say, "It's the same sex all the time."
- "Never fight with an ugly person… they have nothing to lose."