Tuesday, October 24, 2017

It's Gloomy in Paradise

It’s become gloomy in paradise. My buddy Leon is not in good shape. He’s been wasting away in front of me and yesterday he took a dramatic turn for the worse. He’s not responding to my touch as he usually does, normally extremely talkative, he’s been silent and immobile; he’s wet from my tears.
I got an appointment at the vet at 3:45 and went feeling like a zombie. The vet hydrated Leon and took x-rays that showed nothing significant. She also took blood samples; the results will likely come in on Thursday.  In the meantime, I cuddle and spoil him, worry and cry.
He’s barely eating or drinking.
The gloom has repercussions: I’m mute. I can only get one syllable out at a time and at nine o’clock this morning I meet my new doctor. At least it’s easy to say Yes or No to questions. I’m trapped in a nightmare.
God is trying to make things better: We’ve a week of sunny skies and warm temperatures ahead and friends are coming to visit on Thursday and on the weekend.
I’ve decided to fence my backyard. It’s something I had not wanted to do because I love the open space. My backyard backs against forest. But if I fence the yard, I can garden without concern for deer and my dog — when I get him or her — will be able to go out on his own into the yard. I also think I’m also going to buy a whack of wooden planters to tart up my place.
There’s are plenty of practical reasons for a fence but I also sense that making these changes in my yard will really give me a feeling of this place being mine. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m on vacation in a lodge and that I don’t really live here.
When I think about losing Leon, I sink into a cold void. Since my breakdown he’s the friend with whom I have hardly ever stuttered. I knew this would come. In my head I am prepared but the sorrow is suffocating. With PTSD, there’s no crying, there’s only hyperventilating so crying is actually dangerous because I have asthma. Sigh.
This is life. I try to concentrate on the good times and take comfort and pride in my devotion and care.

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