Sunday, September 11, 2022


Oh, the pain (back), and oh the exhaustion (total). After a day of stress with Apple and then all the bending, lifting and toting involved with cleaning up the yard, I was a wreck. But what a beautiful day to be outside! Hot in the sunshine, very comfortable in the shade, I tried to keep myself in the shade as I worked. I worked long and hard because I wanted to be free of the anxiety that had overtaken me.

I’ve decided to keep this new Mac. To re-package and to send this one back, to wait for the new one to arrive and to return to the iPad while I waited, is to prolong my anxiety. So, to stop this spate of seizures that is plaguing me, I got as much of the yard tidied up as I could, and I reconciled myself to life without all my old emails. (There were 21 emails containing subscription data and codes that I wanted to re-install on this computer but cannot.) Plus, I gave Sheba another wash in diluted cortisone. I’ve awakened to feeling much more relaxed today.

After several hours of labour, I went into the Village to pick up a prescription and to get some groceries. Then, when I got back home, I returned to yard work. I miss Bruno. I miss his food and feeling like I am with him in the Dordogne area of France. There’s just too much to do around Pinecone Park! Late in the afternoon, the sun disappeared behind a thick layer of smoke from forest fires in Washington state and Manning Park in BC. There was no smell of smoke, but the light turned orange. It was quite beautiful if I didn’t think about the cause.

Back inside after a spa, I could hardly wait to hit the sofa. I was exhausted, but very, very happy with the progress I made on the yard. I’ll finish the job today and I’ll enjoy doing it. There’ll be no computer talk with Apple today, and I’m bailing on the big community dog walk. I have a Zoom session with my fellow stutterers, and I want to get the gutters of my studio and the rest of the yard cleaned up today.

There’s still no rain in the forecast. Summer started late but it’s ending late as well. When the rains come, I’ll be spending much more time with Bruno. And I’ll have evening fires for coziness. Until then, though, I’ll keep working on the yard. There is so very much to do. 

I am becoming calmer. It’s as though I’m at war with Mother Nature for control of my land. I get immense pleasure from my land—working it, in the hammock, in the spa, at the table, and I want it to look its best. I feel compelled to clean it up when MN dumps tons of crap into my yard. All that falls from the trees weighs on me. And when that happens, and when my computer breaks and Sheba gets a bad rash, it’s just too much. I become a wreck. I do the right things though. I get to work to restore order, but there was Hellfire in my soul these past few days. Too much was wrong. It’s been intense.

When I’m in a stress vortex, I don’t realize I’m being sucked in. I discover it when suddenly I feel more in control—when things are ‘normal,’ in balance, again, and I’m at peace. I must have spoken the phrase ‘nervous wreck’ a hundred times during my life. I would use it to emphasize my level of stress due to some incident. I can’t believe that I’ve become one; that’s exactly what I am.

I’ve got research to do. I wish it would rain. It must rain to get me typing. I’ve a report to research and write for this new committee that I’m part of. (Fear and shame made me never end a sentence with a preposition.)

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