Saturday, June 3, 2017

Being Outdoors

I’m barely used to it being 2017 and the year is almost half over already!
Sometime around mid-February I arrived at the acceptance stage of my condition and ever since my focus has been on living with it instead of fighting it and hoping I will get better (quickly). My principal coping strategy has been to stay home and work on my project.
Twice in my last session with Dr. Shoja she used the word “agoraphobia.” She did not say I had it. It was a hint.
Today I tried to put words to how I feel outdoors. It’s not pleasant but it is very hard to describe. It’s a little like a nasty itch in that it is relentless and impossible to ignore and it’s also a little bit like having to hold my breath because I feel like I may explode. Noise is the worst; bus brakes, motorcycles, angry people, construction noise, truck backing up alarms, car stereos ridiculously loud — these things kill me.
And when I get home I wonder why in hell I bother going out. At home, I feel normal, happy, alive and happy.
My script has gone to Colin. I’m excited about getting his professional reaction (Beth’s inspired me). He’s set aside Monday to Wednesday for working with me so that’s my project for next week — plus finishing the back plate of the defiant dress. Then it’ll be finished except for the stand to hold it together — but Dwight’s making that for me.
I really wish I could talk properly. The only time I can talk normally is with friends after I’ve been with them for a while. I had lunch at Hamburger Mary’s today and the waiter asked me if I wanted a clubhouse sandwich. I’ve been there twice before and had the same thing; so that makes four restaurants that ask about a standard order before I have to try to speak.

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