Friday was kind of nasty. The walk in the morning was delightful, but my meeting with Carol and Dyan was a disaster. I was the last to arrive. Carol and Dyan were talking when I went into the Arts Council office, so I took my coat off, and sat down. As I listened to them, I felt it. One second after feeling it coming, I had a seizure.
And everything went downhill from there. I left the meeting feeling inadequate and the same old feeling of wanting to quit came on. I spent the rest of the day in a kind of state of mourning for lost capabilities. Life is wearing me down. I’ve always been a happy person, but not right now.
I feel like I should quit working for the clinic. But I think life would be worse without it. It, too, takes my mind off my sense of feeling so inadequate. Perhaps it’s a phase. I feel it will pass. I just have to wait it out. I’m not depressed, I’m stressed. I will figure things out.
I discovered something fantastic. My favourite streaming service is Kanopy. It’s free, but I am limited to 10 films a month. However, yesterday I discovered a new category of films on their service.
ON their website, films are presented by genre: Comedies, International, seasonal, etcetera. I was scrolling through the genres and came across two that are “credit-free,” meaning, when my limit of 10 is up, I can go to these rows and watch as many more films as I want.
This is great news because I don’t think there are any bad films on the site. The site is curated by librarians. Kanopy is free if you have a public library card. Last night I watched an Israeli film entitled The Farewell Party. I really liked it. It moved me, and it made me laugh and think. The casting and the acting (all senior actors doing a great, great job) is spot on. The writing is perfect. I loved it. And it’s typical of my Kanopy experience. The more I watch on Kanopy, the less I can handle American movies.
I also discovered channel 555 on my cable service. It’s a newtwork that is full of shows about using your hands to make things. I love watching many of the series, but a comedienne named Amy Poehler, who co-hosts one of the network’s shows, is an abomination. She doesn’t talk, she screams. It’s like there’s a banshee in the room when she comes on my screen. I mute, immediately, when ads for her show air.
I have a long, long list of things I can’t allow in my life, and noise is at the top of my list. Second, is bright light. There are a great many other things that I try earnestly to avoid—a lot are things that happen in films and TV series: violence, sudden noises, anger, sex scenes, mistreatment of children. I’m a nervous wreck—a true nervous wreck.