Saturday, November 4, 2023

David and Paula are Coming!

This is a very brief overview of FND. At the end, it says that the condition is treatable. That is news to me. That’s not what I and all the others in my support group have been told. It also lists paralysis, including full body paralysis, as a symptom and that has happened to me.

I watched the Fifth Estate program on Buffy St. Marie. It crushed me to realize that she is another pretendian. I was such a fan. When news of the program reached me, I was offended and pissed at the CBC. I totally believed in Buffy’s stories of her upbringing, but I was wrong to do that. Now, I’m pissed at Buffy for lying and lying about her brother being a paedophile (to keep him quiet about her real life). The evidence of her lies seems to be undisputable. Just fuck.

Thursday went by quickly. I did nothing but walk Her Highness, read and nap. In the afternoon, there were some periods of sunshine, so I had a lovely long leisurely soak in the spa. In the evening I watched a great documentary about a swimming team of autistic boys that was truly inspiring. 

I’m an omnivore. I was vegetarian once, and for many years, and then went back to omnivorism. However, for most of my life, I rarely ate meat, fish, or chicken. I didn’t eat pork until two months ago, after 50 years without it. I didn’t eat flesh because I didn’t like touching it or having to cut it. 

Steve, when we were together, once left 2 fish in a Styrofoam tray and covered in saran wrap for us to have for dinner. He called me when I got home from work that day, to tell me to turn on the over and to put the fish in the oven because he was on his way home. One reason I love the man still is because a few minutes later he called back. He knew I’d be crying. I couldn’t bring myself to deal with the fish because the heads were still on them. 

And there’s more. I always have loved flowers, but I wouldn’t pick them. Later in life I found I was quite comfortable buying cut flowers for people. I’d despair over broken branches or seedlings. I was too highly aware of the amount of time and plant energy went into building the harvested items to pick them. I have always been ridiculously sensitive. I see that now.

And that makes me see FND as less hostile and invasion of my psyche. Rather than an alien invasion, FND feels more like something preexisting went ballistic. Last night, watching a decent French film, I had two seizures driven by plot turns in the film. Over sensitive. Seriously oversensitive. But consistent with my whole life.

I will, of course, ask Dr. Shoja about this theory of mine. And that’s how my life story gets reworked. This thinking I do about myself is driven by the existence of my symptoms. It also drives my sessions with Dr. S. We re-write the story of my past. Yesterday I thought to myself: the second coming could be the pain of accepting the severity of the impact on me from lack of bonding experience.  It is just so shocking, and it has hurt to know it.

David, my beloved friend from London, has bought his return ticket (that I’m paying for) from London and back home in December. He’ll be here with me on Gabe for 10 days (including Christmas) and I am thrilled!!!  I’ll book his tickets from Vancouver to Gabe and back today. And Paula will come to stay here with us for 4-5 days at the beginning of his stay. I am over the moon.

As we get ready for the first strong El Niño in years, scientists at the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration have released maps that offer insight into where snow could pile up, and we are predicted to have far, far less snow than usual. Yay!!

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