Okay. I am definitely not mute any more.
Dwight and his brother, Brad, and I had breakfast together yesterday and then I had lunch with Tim. I could speak perfectly with all of them until the waitress came and then I couldn’t speak at all.
I’m catching on to what is going on though and it feels wonderful.
My security switch (amygdala) just instantly switches to off when “it decides” that I am at risk in the environment I occupy. I have no control over it. So these appear to be the “rules” for engagement I live with:
- Alone I am mute
- If a friend calls on the phone, I can talk with a 40% stutter.
- If a stranger calls, I talk with about an 80% stutter.
- In person with a friend, I speak perfectly with, perhaps, a 5% stutter.
- In person with a stranger, how I speak depends on the stranger. If the stranger is brusque, hurried, unfeeling or angry, I will be mute. If she or he is warm and welcoming and soft, I will speak at about a 40% stutter.
This is the understanding I will take to Columbia. The big change from before is that when I am alone I am mute. Consequently, I have lost the ability to practice words.
When I first lost my voice, it took a lot of practice to say certain words. “Wednesday” and “eleven” once were impossible for me to say but after a lot of practice (and never using those words to start a sentence) I can now say them easily.
Since last weekend, I’ve been unable to practice saying “thank you;” I say “ank you.” Now I cannot practice anything. But this will not last. My symptoms keep changing.
It’s time to start on the wheat dress. I have two days free with nothing to do and it’s been three weeks since I finished the cheerleader. I did a lot of needlework after the cheerleader; I did it for the bodice of the apron but it may be reject it. I have to think through the rest of the apron while I do the wheat dress.
I’ve heard naught back from the costume museum in Victoria, by the way. Still, as my collection grows, most who see it suggest that they must be seen. I am super keen that something fun comes from them; I think all the work would be worth the effort for one party in their presence in some large room.
However, as I have written here before, it's their stories that matter most to me, so I have to display the letters in a large format or build their stories into a script for that night.
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