Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Jabba the Hutt

My brain may be broken but it still does extraordinary things every once in a while.  
My engine sounded different and it concerned me because some kind of warning light was blinking on my dashboard. And as I thought about what might be wrong, the word “tappets” came into my mind. I had absolutely no idea what they were.
I am famously ignorant of engines and so, because I ignored a dashboard light recently and it cost me a fortune, I drove to the mechanics to see if they could check out the car computer to see what was wrong—if something serious was wrong. The same icon light had come on before because a brake light was burned out. But another reason was low oil pressure.
I explained to Deb, the receptionist, that I was concerned the car needed oil. She called a mechanic from the back to come out and read the computer in my car. Dave, the mechanic, asked me what I thought was wrong and I told him and I told him I might be low on oil.
“What makes you think it’s the oil pressure and not a burned out light bulb like last time? Did you check all your lights?”  
“There’s an unfamiliar noise in the engine,” I replied.
“What kind of noise?”
“A kind of ticking noise.”
“Hmmm…. Go sit inside and I’ll be with you in a few minutes.”
So I went inside and when Dave came back in, he confirmed it was low oil pressure. And for some reason, I asked him: “What are tappets?”
“The things that made the noise you heard.” Then he told me what they did.
I swear to God: That truly happened today! I have no idea what a tappet is or does but someone, one time or another, must have used the word and had the same problem and told me. 
My crazy mind sometimes has unbelievable word recall. Often, was I’m writing, words will come to mind to use and I have no idea whether or not to use them because I’m not sure of what they mean. So I look them up, and they are the perfect word to use. I love this unconscious talent I have.
I’ve just been through a rough patch. Sometimes my condition feels like a game show; I wrote about The Mindfulness Game five posts ago. Sometimes it feels like a huge ogre with an insatiable appetite.
There was a big fat ogr-ey thing that couldn’t move and constantly ate in one of the Star Wars movies. His name was Jabba the Hutt. It gabbed and ate everything in its sight; crumbs and goo dripped out of its huge mouth and slid down its grotesque body as it talked. That’s what I see inside me, when anxiety has a hold on me.
The monster inside me feeds on worry. It scans my mind’s sensory intake and seizes on everything possible to fuel obsessive worrying. It makes me deeply unhappy and symptoms overwhelm me and that’s been going on for several weeks.
But no more! I’ve resolved everything and now I feel back on an even keel. You have no idea how great it feels to feel back to normal. 
Sheba went for a neighbourhood walk yesterday while I was on the cistern fixing the switch again! She came home stinking like vomit and with a clavicle in her mouth. She’d found a Deer carcass. Her face and front paws were filthy with stinking carcass juice. But because she is the most perfect dog in the universe, she accepted being cleaned readily. 
I’m going in to Nanaimo today to go to Walmart and get some plants for my garden. I’m excited about the adventure.

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