Tuesday, May 5, 2020

My Day Will Be Spent on a Ladder

I’ll be spending today on ladders, moving lighting from the exterior of my studio and shed to the exterior of the house. I have to go to the hardware store, too, to get some electrical fixtures I’ll need. I can’t be a slug today, as I was yesterday.
Yesterday was cool and dull. There was no rain, but neither was there anything inspiring about the day. So, I read most of the day.
Three of my Marijuana seeds have germinated. One is still dormant. I bought five in a package for sixty dollars, so I hope the other two make it. I saved one seed for next year.
I’ve also germinated lots of Sweet Peas. I should have a good crop of gloriously scented flowers this summer. And next, I’m germinating Basil.
I finished the dreadful gay novel. And guess what…. There are not one, but two, sequels! I can’t imagine. And now, because the good weather is here, reading takes a back burner to being handyman.
I used to joke that I was the proprietor of an online business called I’llKillYourMother.com
Subhead: We’ll kill anyone—even your mother!
Tag line: “We have methodologies to accommodate a wide range of client tastes and budgets, and there were options for disposal.”
“My favourite for what you need,” I’d tell friends at parties who related tales of woe about caring for an infirm ‘loved one’, “is The Niagara. It’s perfect for [the parent’s name].” 
The Niagara method required the exterminator to show the ‘loved one’ a pillow with an image of Niagara Falls on it whilst rhapsodizing on the beauty of both the Falls and the image in a gentle and loving tone, getting softer and softer.
“Can you see all the details [client name]. Can you see the people and the different storefronts? Here, I’ll move it closer,” the applicant would say as he/she moved the pillow closer to the ‘loved one’s’ face.
“Can you see it now?” the applicant would repeat. 
“No? How about now?” 
And the applicant would firmly push the pillow ever closer and closer until …. 
And in keeping with the theme, The Niagara included a river disposal option.
At parties, when friends would tell family horror stories, I’d offer up the services of I’ll Kill Your Mother Dot Com and suggest an appropriate methodology: From The Lottery, popular for greedy siblings, wherein the fake cheque in envelope that the ‘loved one’ gets is laced with a secret and instantly lethal powder—it’s very popular with buyers who shop on our website—to The Thelma and Louise that obviously involves a car and a cliff  and for which there are no disposal costs. It’s ideal for clients with multiple ‘loved ones.’
It was a dark joke at a time when many of my friends and I were dealing with parents requiring considerable care and attention and/or siblings providing no services and wanting a majority share of the estate.
I’ve been thinking of bringing the services back. My friend B. is in need of my services. She has the tenants from Hell.

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