Sunday, December 10, 2023

Homework; No Screamers Please


Friday was a lovely gentle day. I did everything slowly and I felt absolutely great all day. We walked with our friends at 9:30, and Regina had brownies for us as a treat. Afterwards, I went into the village for some groceries and then I came home to read first, and then have lunch. After lunch, I had a really wonderful spa because the day was cold but bright. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. And then I had a nap. Yes!!

Late in the afternoon, I baked some shortbread. For my recent dinner party, I made tourti√®re to honour my French-Canadian heritage of which I am so, so proud. Well, my birth father was a Scot, so the shortbread was an apt choice for me yesterday. I put 2 tablespoons of nonpareils in the dough, so the cookies look nice and festive. I was practicing for when David comes, when I’ll make some more.

The evening was a challenge. BroadwayHD works wonderfully on my computer, but it’s shite on my TV. I’m going to try to get it working on the TV today because I don’t want to sit at my computer to watch things in the evening, and there are so many things I want to see on the service—like the Brokeback Mountain opera.


Most of the morning was spent reading, after walking Her Highness in the rain. Very early in the afternoon, I lay down for a nap, and when I woke up, there was snow on the ground. It was snowing quite heavily, so I put fresh wood on the fire and celebrated the fact that I could stay home all day and night and hope all the snow would be gone by morning.

It was windy too, and that made me worry a little about David’s visit. I hope Paula and David make it on the 18th. Our float plane is easily grounded, and they could be delayed a day in coming. That would really disappoint me.

Later in the afternoon: rain. I was happy to see it. I’m not ready for the ice that comes when the snow compacts on the deck and stairs. I hope the mildness of late returns for David’s visit. Usually, it is warm when there are clouds. My fingers are crossed for today and for the next two weeks.

I didn’t speak all day, except some single words to Sheba and the twins. It was, therefore, a wonderfully peaceful and gentle day. I kept a good fire going and for the first time in many months, I chose not to walk in the rain in the afternoon. Sheba toured Pinecone Park, instead. I like to believe that days like today allow me to bank serenity for days when I’m obliged to talk.

I’m doing my homework for my next meeting with Dr. Shoja. It’s been wonderful going back, and I think I really like the drug I’m on. Ever since I started, I sleep an hour or more every day. That alone, is a benefit, assuming I bank more energy for the day. I won’t know if the drug will lesson my muscle pain when I talk, until I have some conversations.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a thought entered my mind. I was thinking about how marijuana is legal and comes in capsules now. I was addicted to smoking if for a long, long time. And I worried about getting caught with it. I had some very close calls. But now it’s legal and pills allow me to have some sometimes, without the anxiety of lung damage. And I’m without ambition or sexual desire, I am free of everything. 

There’s far, far greater acceptance of the LGBTQ community. And when I thought of that, it got me thinking of the shame I felt about being gay. That was a burden, but I’m free of that now. And because I was thinking about being ashamed, I remember being very ashamed of being adopted. That was a heavy burden because my mother often clarified that I was adopted when someone called me her son. That really hurt, and it hurts me still to write it here.

But last night I freed myself of that burden. I realized that being adopted wasn’t the problem, it was more likely the indifference of my ‘parents’ that bothered me—I could feel their distance. And then, when I realized I was gay, it felt like I was on the other side of the line; I felt double demoted.

However, by transferring the disappointment to the Tyrells, I am free of shame of being adopted. And that means every box on my Achieve Nirvana card, is ticked. I am free of all my demons. Being angry at the Tyrells? I’ve never wanted to do that. I just wanted to walk away and maintain polite relations.

And my state of mental Nirvana exists in the silence I had today. When I don’t talk, I don’t hear my speech, I don’t use the muscles I tense when I do speak, and I rarely have seizures. I’d like to have three such days each week. Plus, it’s in a log home on a big piece of land, and with a magnificent dog and two feline majesties.

I was cleaning up in the kitchen and I heard, on the TV, that Adam Driver was hosting SNL. I ran to watch his monologue because I like the guy, but he was not talking, he was screaming, like hosts on game shows. And everyone on TV, because everyone is so exaggerated. But I couldn’t take his screaming, I turned down the sound and fled the living room. Screaming really triggers anxiety in me. I can’t take it at all.

I’m on page 523 of a 900-page book. It’s a successful page-turner that I’ve read before. It’s like reading a book I’ve never read. It’s wonderful to read a big thick book. As with a series, you are with the same character for solong, and I love that.


Today will be another slow day. Hooray! But I Zoom at 10:00 for two hours with my BC stuttering group. I always enjoy Zooming with them, but it means a lot of talking, often, and I’ll see if my neck and shoulders are less rigid due to the new drug I am taking. My fingers are crossed.

All the snow is gone, so I am one happy dude. Off we go, walking….

Emma Thompson: What a talented and wonderful actor!

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