Broken

I find myself looking at porn again—porn being real estate ads. I was looking at porn when I saw this house that I currently live in. I saw it on September 4^th, 2016, and I moved in on October 7^th. Having resumed my addiction lately, every time I look at places, nothing compares to this home. It’s the finest place that I’ve ever called home, but I know that my porn addiction is not about the home, it’s about escaping. Every night I go to bed and daydream about isolated places I could go.

“Frontal lobes,” she says. “Frontal lobes.” Dr. Shoja’s mantra reminds me to use my rational mind to counterbalance the impulses driven by my condition. My desire to escape is my burden. 

“We are programmed for safety, not for happiness.” She reminds me that what’s making me want to escape is my broken amygdala. It’s the source of all my neurological problems; it is stuck on high alert. Hence my seizures and speech problems. All my symptoms are due to broken me being “struck dumb” by life and my environment. Alone and unconnected, which is where I want to be, would be the safest way to live if I wanted to dull the force of my desire to escape. 

“How’d you break your leg?”

“Oh, I fell over a root in the trail.”

“Wanna go for a coffee?”

It’s so simple, the answer to the question when it comes to a broken leg. But when your brain is broken, it’s complicated. My physical brain is “fine.” There is nothing physically accountable for my condition. It’s in the intangible functioning of my brain that hosts the problem. I have a “software problem.” I took me six years to figure all this out. For me, having FND is like having a job.

Frontal lobes.

This is the diary of a mad man.

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It’s another beauty of a day. Our walk with our friends this morning will be a good one. When I come home, I’m going to fry a huge whack of vegetables to eat over the next couple of days. I love veggies, and I’m experimenting with new sauces that I’m concocting. Then I’ll have a spa. I love being toasty warm and feeling the sun on my face as I feel joy about the song of the birds feeding at my feeder.

Calvatia sculpta is a species of fungus found in the Pacific 

Northwest, commonly known as the sculptured puffball.