Leave No Trace

I worked in the garden after our walk, but what a joke. I needed a nap after our walk, and even though I had rested, I only worked for about 20 minutes before I needed to stop and rest. Sometimes a rest is demanded of me while mid-project; I just run dry of energy. The demanding part of the morning’s work was removing the stump of a tree that had been felled long ago.

I was happy when lunchtime came. It afforded me a good rest before going back to work. But this time I was focused on the van. I wanted to clean it out after transporting many, many loads of rocks, and install the bed I have for sleeping in the back because soon I will go to Victoria overnight to fetch Steve, and I’ll be sleeping one night in it (with Sheba).

Although I work slowly, and my ambitions are modest, even the simple tasks that I undertake make Pinecone Park look better. I got Grey’s help from next door to move some potted plants into a better location. I couldn’t lift the pots myself. But I’ve almost completed all the tasks I aimed to do before Steve’s arrival on August 12^th.

Today I have a Zoom session with my UK friends with FND. And tonight I go to a barbeque at Kris and Steve’s place, but I hope to get some plants from the nursery and fill some of the last remaining holes in my garden beds. That’s my goal for today.

•

I watched a movie last night that was like being in group therapy for victims of abuse. 

The movie was about Boy Scouts of America (Leave No Trace) and their response to ongoing sexual abuse of boys. It’s a horrible story. The BSA is run by despicable people. But the film focuses on a several victims and it’s truly heartbreaking to see and hear their stories, and it was their stories that deeply resonated with me. I’m very glad I watched this film!

 The past eight years have been very difficult years for me. The last few, however, have been wonderful. I’ve had to come to terms with living with seizures and very poor speech, and I’ve had to emotionally accept the story of my youth as Dr. Shoja sees it. When I watched this film, one thing that came to mind was that Dr. Shoja is correct. Acceptance is a process.

The guys in the film, all men now, moved me deeply, partly it was their stories, but also it was how well I understood all he was saying about his abuse, his response to his abuse, and its consequences. One thing that really, really, got to me was when he teared up, saying how much he mourns who he might have been, should have been, had he not been abused. I do exactly that, and often.

Watching the film was as rewarding as a fabulous session with Dr. Shoja. And I wasn’t crying too much. I feel more at peace now about being abused. Sometimes, I want to scream Fuck You into my past at everyone who said, “Get over it. Move on.” I can always see good in the outcome of every crisis; the good that came to me with C-PTSD and FND, is that it made me move to this wonderful island and my beloved Pinecone Park and its sacred livestock.