Two More Days

monday

I sat on the chaise Monday night and watched a movie, and when the movie ended, I looked out the window beside me and saw what I always see, but last night it was wet. It had rained much of the day, and more is coming, but sun returns on Thursday for at least a few days.

The best word to describe how I was feeling is ‘ennui.’ Steve was gone. He is not at all someone I would want to be with. He needs constant stimulation. I find him kind of frenzied, but then I am stasis made human. Add abundant alcohol and he becomes someone I’d rather not be around; he felt the same way about me when I smoked dope when we were together.

I feel guarded in his company. His energy is overwhelming, and he talks a lot. However, when he left, I felt bereft. I sat in the car watching the ferry disappear, and I realize that no matter what, I love him. But now it is as a brother. My life of the party brother. And Dwight, who’s the same age as Steve, they are both 8 years younger than me, feels like a wise, caring older brother. 

His visit is like the sound of a needle sliding sideways across and LP, making a dreadful awful noise—a disaster of a noise when you are expecting melodious sound. But I look forward to it every year. This year was the first that made me cry as much as I did yesterday.

I feel better today, and each day will be better until I am back to normal, thriving in paradise. Every visit is the same, only the degree changes. My solitude is broken by the company of a dear friend. I am always sad when they leave. It takes time to recover my solitary equilibrium. 

And now comes 3 days of idle life, and then I see Dr. Chen. I have felt something is wrong since June 29^th. That was almost 2 months ago, but on Friday, I see the man who can make a diagnosis. I imagine that will take time and that I will undergo more testing, but soon I’ll know.

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My neighbours have opened a farm stand, and it’s magnificent. There’s a big parking lot, a wide variety of fruit and vegetables, and they have a large freezer for bags of mixed salad and herbs. I bought a big bag of Basil and made peso. Yum! Serious yum! And their Strawberries! They are soft, sweet, firm and rich, rich, rich in flavour. There are no damage spots and five bucks a basket. 

It's funny. I am buying things at the stand that I could buy at the Farmers’ market, but never do. I think it’s the crowds and talking to strangers in lineups that puts me off sopping at the market, whereas at the stand I am alone making my purchases. Plus, it’s positively thrilling to be able to buy fresh produce every day, and from a neighbour and not a chain store.

tuesday

Tuesday involved a lot of sleeping, but Her Highness and I had a morning walk and a fetch session at Rollo Park. The morning walks are okay. I go to a flat trail that is not too long. But playing ball with her is always a challenge. I wear myself out and am breathless when I return to the car. Two more days.

One thing I did do was write my ‘paper’ for Dr. Chen. I explained that I had a severe speech impediment by way of introducing my 3-part paper. It contains my medical history, my current symptoms and current medications. I’m all set for my appointment. My Boogie Board has a new battery, and I am optimistic I’ll be able to speak with Dr. Chen to some extent.

I really can’t do anything around here until there’s a solution, if there is to be one. If there is no solution and I am to live like this, I am going to have to think about whether I want to stay here or not. If I must pay for someone to do everything, it could become very expensive for me to stay here. Sigh. One step at a time. I want to stay here. Friends may help me stack my wood. There may be a way to stay.

Today will be another slow day. Every day for the rest of my life will be a slow day unless whatever is wrong with me can be fixed. I thought my seizure and speech disorders were bad, but this weakness is having as much of an impact on my life. Two more days ….