Today, Rita’s daughter, Michelle came to
get Rita’s ashes from me looking a lot—a lot—like Rita. I cared for Rita for
nine years; I’d hated her for decades. She had an affair with my father; she was
my mother’s nurse.
Michelle seemed lost, but because of issues
within her, not over the loss of Rita with whom she’d had no contact for
decades. So I offered to join her in putting Rita’s ashes into the ocean at the
beach Rita used to love to visit.
I felt no emotion at all. I said my goodbyes
to Rita long ago and felt them deeply. Now I feel little emotion about anything
and that is fine with me; my emotions no longer take me on the terrifying roller
coaster rides of my youth.
Trudeau has changed my self-perception so much, doing the show feels like
penance. I am very happy I did the show, and very happy to have learned all the
experience has taught me, and that is: No project, no experience and no other
person is going to heal the scars I have from the loss of my family.
I live the movie Groundhog Day. In that movie, Bill Murray’s character lives the
same day over and over again as I re-live the story of my youth. I am sick of
thinking about it. And now that I know that no project will heal me, taking on
a project has lost its charm.
There are big changes going on inside my
head; I feel melancholy but it's okay.
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