Friday, February 11, 2022


Chris and Frani seemed to think that if I questioned my diagnosis and thought differently about the cause of my affliction, that I could cure myself of FND. 

Since the onset of FND, Dr. Shoja has spent a lot of time helping me understand why I have it; central to her thesis is parental neglect. Chris and Frani don’t buy that theory. Frani was a nurse; she may be like other medical professionals who can only understand disease that has somatic origins.

They said countless other people have experienced a worse upbringing and are fine. I said that I realized that, and that I’d asked Dr. Shoja if I was weak. But Dr. S. said it was not because I was weak: She said I had more than remote parenting, I had the orphanage experience, no siblings for comfort, the mugging and the complications of being secretly gay to add to my parental experience.

What’s clear to me is that I do not want to be blamed for my condition. Guilt on top of disability is too heavy a load for me. Yet, Chris and Frani seemed to be blaming me.

Frani said that my parents ‘did the best that they could,’ and were ‘no worse than many other parents,’ and that I should ‘get over it.’ She said that I shouldn’t accept Dr. Shoja’s diagnosis and accept that I am the cause of my affliction for believing Dr. Shoja. They blame the environment for Chris’s Parkinson’s, but me for my FND. 

I was so, so disappointed by them. I wish they’d asked questions instead of making pronouncements. I thought, with Chris’ diagnosis of Parkinson’s, we’d be closer and interested in each other’s condition; they are both neurological disorders. 

I’ve was rather unhappy all day yesterday. But I know that they were well intentioned; they were trying to help. We’ve been friends since 1974. This disappointment will not affect our friendship; this incident will be forgotten, but I don’t want to have another one like it.

It takes getting used to, being alone after having people visit for a couple of nights. I was exhausted and went to bed early last night, but today will be different. The water comes for my hot tub this morning and have baking to do. I’m making a meringue dessert for Alli and Peter and I. Tomorrow night, I go to their house for dinner and a game of scrabble.

I’ll also get back to ASL today; I’ve had a few days off from it while I was with my guests. It’s a beauty of a day today and it’s going to be equally beautiful and warmer tomorrow, and tomorrow the hot tub will be hot and it’s going to feel mighty good to get back into that enveloping heat again. 

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