S-L-O-W-L-Y

Going to Dr. Shoja on Tuesday was, as always, rich with insight and relief. Then I came home and had a short rest before Chris and Frani arrived to stay the night. I am very close to Chris and Frani, their children and grandchildren and Frani is super understanding of my condition because she is a nurse.

We went to the Apple store but they failed to solve a major problem they had, but they told C&F how to fix it. C&F are not at all technical so we came back here and I was able to fix the problem a different way. We were happy, therefore, as we went out for dinner.

We had a great dinner at La Brasserie, my favourite local restaurant and even shared some desserts and then we got up to come home. As soon as I got outside, I started shaking so I hurried the short block to my house, leaving C&F a bit behind and when the caught up with me, I was “gone,”

I couldn’t talk. I was frozen. I was panting like mad and trying to get control of my breathing and then, after perhaps 30-45 seconds, I felt well enough to get into the elevator. I went directly to bed and whereas my body was completely still and relaxed, it felt like everything inside my body was trembling. So I took a tranquilizer.

This was some new, mild form of loss of control and not a seizure, but it was seizure-like.

Honestly, it seemed to me like the cold was getting to me. I was wearing my polar heavy down jacket that keeps me almost too warm to matter what the weather. It is truly made for the polar region and I am never cold when I wear it. I look like a balloon. But last night I felt naked in the weather.

It could be due to vestiges of the flu, too much talking/stimulation or I am slowly just going down the drain and this is just another lump in the metal I’ve flowed over. This is why Dr. Shoja is so important to me. I have to wait a week, but when I see her next I can ask her what she thinks was going on.

As for my play…

My meeting with Jillian could not have gone better. I am not applying to Boca for a residency. After talking with Jillian I realize I have more thinking to do on the scenario so I am going to do that and then start the writing over. I’ll be able to use text from my drafts but I need to re-think then essential line of tension.

Jillian is keen to read a new version when I do it so she’s kind of dramaturging me to get me workshop ready and I’ll apply to Boca later — plus she gave me some other suggestions of places to seek production or workshop opportunities.

But more than that, I’m going to slow down. I’ve been making dress after dress. I have the materials for two more. I’ll probably make them, but then I must stop. My focus has to be the script. But slowly… S-l-o-w-l-y.

I’m extremely happy to slow down, take pressure off myself. I am keen to walk more. Not big walks like I used to do, but saunters with lots of stops.

The flu or last night’s mini- seizure and my declining capacity to speak has me realize I have to focus more on activities that sooth and aspects of my dress project bring tension whereas. Walking — in nature especially — releases tension. And Dr. Shoja’s prolonging weekly visits for four months tells me she’s aware I need to make more progress. I want to help her by letting go a little on the Defiant Dress and getting a little more into the company of conifers. I have a car; we have lots of parks. I have my Spring destiny.