Flame #8 Tonight

I don’t think my last creative venture (the play, Trudeau, the Felons and Me) was a disaster for anyone else … but it was for me. Almost immediately after it closed I said to myself: “Well you sure went to an awful lot of trouble to get attention that time, didn’t you!”

I found myself not wanting to do anything to get attention any more. It was a deep-seeded feeling; it seemed like inappropriate motivation to me.

I’d quit teaching (and travelling) to do the play and after the play closed I chose not to go back to either activity — largely because of voice problems. Daily life after the play closed, therefore, became an empty slate. That began a year and a half ago. I, and others, wonder if these decisions to stop doing the things I’d always done didn’t open the door to my breakdown this past April.

The past seven months have been pretty much about recovering from the breakdown. My recent return to making costumes and the gig tonight at The Flame have me feeling that I’ve entered “phase two” of recovery — a phase where purpose is required.

But I have no purpose, so that will be the theme of my discussion with Dr. Shoja today. How does one find purpose? Yes, I make dresses to fill my zillion of empty pointless hours. And I have a great idea for a show. But I question my purpose.

My suspicion is that the whole idea of the show and the dresses may have to be re-thought in a way that addresses purpose.

When I wrote and produced Knock Knock, I solved the purpose problem by donating all its box office ($17,000) to PAL Vancouver. Were I to produce A(r)mour: The Defiant Dress, however, I’d want to keep the money. Conundrum.

But first, tonight: The Flame.