Thursday, January 23, 2020


Miracles happen! One has happened to me.
I woke up yesterday morning and I could talk—out loud, to myself, and perfectly fluently. I haven’t been able to do that for four years. I couldn’t believe it, so I let a couple of hours of silence go by, and then I tried again (afraid my speech would fail again) and I remained totally beautifully fluent.
I waited some more. And then, mid-afternoon, I called Beth and spoke to her like pre-breakdown me. My voice was still working perfectly. When it disappeared in 2016, it was as sudden as yesterday’s seeming recovery. 
I know I may have trouble again. In fact, I’d be surprised if I didn’t. But now I know that I can be fluent again even if muteness returns. 
So what happened? Why can I suddenly speak? My theory is that my single appointment with Cathy, the mental health nurse, may be the reason. She was so understanding and optimistic about my future. She gave me faith. Plus, she gave me her card so that I can call her any time for help.
I also think calling my anxiety attacks “indulgences” somehow helped. Yes … it seemed to place “blame” on me for my disability, but it also seemed to place recovery in my realm of responsibility. I think knowing that someone had my back and a renewed confidence and commitment is the reason I’m speaking so well again.
This morning, after a night of anxiety dreams, my speech is still fluent but I’ve had a few little hiccups trying to speak to myself out loud. Soon, I’m meeting Jay for breakfast at Robert’s in the village. It’ll be a test of my capacity. I know I can speak at home, but will I be just as fluent with strangers? I’m about to leave, highly optimistic.
I feel reborn, renewed and ecstatic. I know it may fail again, but for now, I’m living in a state of euphoria. 
I finished watching Cheer on Netflix and it was one of the best things I’ve seen there. I love documentaries because the emotion is real. I thought it would be absolutely uninteresting until I started reading rave reviews. It’s magnificent.

No comments: