Monday, January 13, 2020

Train Wreck

A night to remember; a night to forget.
The power went out at 530. We had quite the wind storm.
Then, at 6:30, I suffered the worst anxiety attack I’ve had since the onset of my condition almost four years ago. I started hyperventilating—so much so, I could not walk around because I felt too dizzy. Had the clinic been open, I’d have gone for some help but it was Sunday night.
I cried and, worse, I screamed. I could hear the screams coming out of me even though I did not want to. Any sound set me off. And breathing was very difficult. And when chest pains started, I got even more anxious.
In the past, when I’ve had one of these gross anxiety attacks, talking to Dwight or Bruce has calmed me down, so I called Bruce.
He answered and I was talking to him until my computer made some ringing noises that made me scream and so I hung up on Bruce. Then the shaking started; I lost all control. I shook till I was soaked in sweat, lying on the ground. Soon I was exhausted and the cool air on the floor and fatigue had me “surrender.” I just let all the tension out of my muscles and eventually, as quickly as it started, I felt myself regain my composure.
I called Bruce back and could talk and breathe normally. I Facetimed Dwight it felt good to see my friend and talk to him; I continued to feel better. Talking to he and Bruce were the best medicine.
At 7:30 I went to bed. It was not over. Horrid chest pains worried me and I had to sit up to breathe. I took an Ativan and at 8:00 my breathing was finally normal and I could sleep.
Both Dwight and Bruce wondered why I’d had the attack, but that’s the thing about my illness, I never know. I have my ideas, of course: The power had gone out, but I lit candles and got the generator going, just fine. That’s why I could Facetime with Dwight. I thought I was coping with the windstorm and no power rather well.
Having a mental illness is not for the weak. Trust me. 
The power came on at 1:00 am. 
This morning, it feels good that everything is back to normal. But I feel like I’ve been badly beaten up. So all I plan to do is chill by the fire. I want a quiet calm day!
We’ve about 4 cms of snow, so it’s rather pretty outside. The dog walk will be fun.

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