Friday, April 9, 2021

Silence is Golden


Just fuck. My greatest fear is realized. I cannot speak at all now, not even to Sheba, Fred or Ethel. I got through my dentist appointment just fine, writing notes and using my own version of signing—life becoming a game of charades. Now I’m wondering if my voice will come back or not.

When I got home from the dentist, I went back to bed. I felt too sad to do anything. When I got up, I had a spa in absolutely glorious sunshine. It relaxed some of the tightness I felt in my chest. I had lunch and then took Sheba for a nice long walk. I didn’t feel I could concentrate enough to start a new book. I just wanted to get through the day and get to couch time with the television and then to go to bed. I worry about how this is going to affect my friendships.

I thought about learning sign language, but what’s the point? No one I know, knows how to sign. The easiest way to communicate now, is to write notes.

This morning, I walk with my three fellow dog walkers. They are steadfast friends, so I’ve no fear of losing their company three mornings a week. Still, it’s going to be different.

Could things be worse? Yea! The dentist is going to pull out one of my teeth. It’s an upper molar that is dropping down, impeding my ability to chew properly. I’m aghast.

After my mid-day walk, I felt so much better after being in warm sunshine and in nature. I get such strength from living in a park. I pondered what the future of my friendships is as a mute person and decided to just live one day at a time. I’ll find a way and so will my friends.

I was anxious as I walked, but I ‘passed’ when I encountered people because I was able to make a sound close enough to ‘hi’ and I waved and just kept walking. To make me feel better, I went online and ordered some custom t-shirts—two of them (photo above). It’s just so efficient to announce my uniqueness boldly; it gives me a strong sense of comfort to do so. If my speech doesn’t get better, I’ll order a couple more in another colour and on a hoodie for Winter.

Today is another day. One day at a time.

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